Monday, November 10, 2003

Me and my big fat-- m o u t h !!

The inevitable jealousy.
I find myself feeling VERY insecured these days. Why? Only my heart feels, why. And my brain, being as relevant and logical as it always been keeps telling myself.. "What's there to secure??" Coz there is NOTHING. So why do I feel so insecured.. You can't lose what you never had, right? (keep telling myself that, anyways!) So why do I keep feeling that I'm losing this.. There's nothing to lose, Wanie.. Get a hold of yourself! Why are you so scared?? That is the main question now.. Why am I so scared?
:( Finding myself hard to bear, now..

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Plato

A question for Plato though.. how did he know that everyone else are fighting a greater battle? If one is having a bad hair day.. and the other is having a deadly cancer. Should the one with the cancer consider the one with the bad hair day is fighting a greater battle?? It doesn't make sense!! I used to believe in Plato's words.. but now I realize how foolish I can be sometimes! Urrghh!! My head is battling with my heart!!
Even though I am mocking Plato right now, another voice is reminding me the words I once said to a friend while she was having a really rough time..

"God wouldn't 'test' a person if He knew that he or she couldn't handle it."

(macam pandai kan?) I feel stupid for saying those right now. Coz at this moment.. I don't know which I should listen to.

Example on the same two people. The one with cancer and the bad hair. Could be the one with cancer is a really strong person.. Come what may, he can face death tonight if it is time. And compared to the other.. maybe he is a perfection-freak that the fact that his hair is in his eyes can make him go out of his head. In this case, the one with the bad hair is fighting the harder battle, right?
sheesh! I hate talking to myself! It keeps getting me horribly confused!
Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much.. but the next second I'll remind myself again that it's never enough.. Nobody can be giving too much.. You should lend a hand to those who need it. It's wrong to turn your back on them.. just because you have your own needs.

A friend said, "selfish.. who isn't?"

I hate to believe that.. but by not believing it, am I considered as naive? It's just that in a corner of myself.. I hope there are some people who is not. Who doesn't put theirselves as MORE important than others.. Who wouldn't mind reaching out their hand when there are those in need. And am I considered as stupid if I expected people to scratch my back if I scratched theirs? I thought we should be fair in everything we do.. But why do I find myself having a hard time trying to reach my back.
Have I been hurt so badly? I don't know...

Honesty.. something I've believed in for years! I can't tell a single lie! I am such a bad liar...
Well, that was what I thought.. But what's obvious is that I've been lying everything about it. In fact, I can be such a great liar at times.
I once said how I am thankful for everything I have and Heavens should punish me if I am not. Heavens should.. for I am not thankful for what I have. I've been expecting more and more to come my way. If I have been so thankful, I should've not felt the way that I felt. I should've been secured...
I am so full of lies. I am not what you think.. I am not even what I think! I lied to myself.. about everything and anything.. I can't be honest, 'coz honesty scares me.

I am very scared of losing the things that I never had.. I am scared of not being able to even enjoy a moment having it. For me, just let me have it for two minutes before I really lose it.. So at least I can remember that I had once had it.. and I'll be content.
That is the truth..

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