Thursday, November 24, 2005

Miserably in love.

I've been thinking.. (no, it doesn't pain me. heh!) Who ever taught me that I need to be miserable to be happy? It's sick, I know.. but that's.. me. Exactly the reason why I enjoy myself better when I'm crushing over someone than actually being with that person. The idea of blindly adoring a boy for almost 2 years than being attached to him for 2 months. And I have a friend who can't be with someone who won't argue with her. So, what's wrong with people like us? I'm sure there's a book somewhere that would have a really smart description on my psychological condition, but until I find that book, I really wish to have a temporary explanation. Curious. Very curious, indeed.

I believe nobody is as interesting as yourself. (does that call as self-absorbed?) I'm only saying, no one's worth discovering until you discover yourself. *wink*

Getting back to where I've started from; a particular story that just pains me. An old guy, still in love with the woman he used to live with even though she's happily married with some other man. The woman loves both men but she can't stand being around the old guy. She was feeling guilty for something she had done a couple years ago and the old guy is punishing her for it. She was only trying to save his life, but he's blaming her for not following his clear "instructions". Well, it's a complicated thing, love. The old man is bitter and alone since then, yet he doesn't let anyone into his heart. Stupid. Stupid.

Point is, I don't want to be bitter and alone. I don't want to be miserable to be in love. And yet why can't I be in love without feeling miserable all the same? Why does the idea of paining myself for love doesn't bother me as much as it probably should? Some would argue that if it's love, if it's meant to be, you shouldn't be in pain at all! So why exactly am I what I am? Is an explanation possible at all? I'm miserable when in love, and perfectly fine when I'm not.
I'm... damaged, aren't I? I'm damaged even without ever being burned. I filled my head with ideas of perfection but it's nowhere near to perfect. Stupid. Stupid.
*sigh* Cheers to those who aren't in love.


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