Sunday, September 17, 2006

Not myself.

Feeling weird.
Sickly to be precise.
Maybe because I hadn't had a real, proper sleep in days! hahha! I'm not exactly down with a fever or any form of flu but my entire body aches as if I had run a 3-mile marathon. (I realize 3 miles isn't really anything but bear in mind that I don't DO running.. or jogging for that matter.)
I miss sleeping. I miss to actually rest while I'm sleeping. So if you ask me what was troubling me that I can't even feel rested when I sleep -- I HAVE NO IDEA!

Suppose I can blame this person for reminding me stuff that I had wished to forget. Well, maybe I wasn't doing a good job at trying to forget anyways! sigh. If only things were measly so I wouldn't have to talk about it and really.. just forget!
Guess maybe I wasn't meant to forget it just yet.
I'm rambling.
NO. I'm trying to tell you something without actually telling you. I tend to do that a lot, don't I? It's that crap where I hate to admit what I really feel.

Somebody had told me not to be embarassed by what I feel. Well, I can't help it. This is Wanie, always hiding her feelings when she can help it. Mind, I can never hide my thoughts but I'm always hiding what I feel. Or at least smother one feeling by another feeling. I think I'm the kind of person who would rather lose a friend than to share my true feelings with them. There's another word for this -- EGO!! hahhaha!! Let's call it "pride" so it'd sound better. heh!

I seriously have some trust issues. grr. I hate myself for that. Just because I'd rather be more open than cynical. Somehow I always imagined myself being laughed at when I actually open up. sigh.
Guess I'm too used to people laughing at my thoughts and that's fine. I just can't bear the thought of people laughing at what I feel. And I'm too used to people not taking me seriously and I'm afraid that they would.. too much.
When I'm never certain of myself.

I'm thinking.. and it's raining.

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

(The lyrics to this song is in my October 2002 archive. I think that's a telling of something.)


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