Saturday, June 23, 2007

Consumed by defeat and despair.

I wish there isn't a constant battle between my head and my heart.
But of course, if that happens.. this blog would be pretty quiet don't you think?

Dida sees me in a way.. like I don't fight for my right to live, or something. Of course, in comparison to her (and every person I know, actually!) I am pretty morbid. Sorry, let me rephrase -- I am really morbid.
Like the other day, she told me about the time while she was in Rotterdam and the wind was so strong, she feared that the windows could shatter and pierce her.
I nodded, saying "right.. and nobody's around to help you." But she coolly said, "ohh, I can call for help."
It dawned on me that while she was picturing herself being pierced by shards of glass, she didn't picture herself being hurt so bad that it would render her immobile. I pointed this out to her and she said something that goes something like "I don't want to die." (Please note that I wasn't endowed with a photographic memory.. unlike some people! hahhaha! *inside joke, sorry*)

Anyway, back to the story..
I don't want to die. Not really! Just because I talk about death a little (a LOT) doesn't mean that I'm comfortable with dying. I'm not! Okay, life is hard.. which I think it should be or it would be too blah to live for anyway. (err..) But just because I use the word "death" or "suicide" liberally shouldn't mean that I think dying is easier.
I'd like to skip deep six, thank you very much!

Frankly I don't even know why I am emotionally in limbo. Maybe on some days I am too frustrated or tired to feel and yes, led me to think that if I was dead, I wouldn't have to go through days like that ever again. But I know what happens after death and I know I wouldn't like it even more!
Hmm.. suddenly I'm dawned by a realization that if I didn't believe in the afterlife, I would've probably jumped off the window ages ago. AHHAHAHA!! There I go again -- too liberal!!
Well, I thank God for religion.

Hmm.. I probably should get a shrink for this but I chose writing instead.
Sometimes I feel like I have this blog so my family and friends would know how I'm doing.. so if anything happens, it wouldn't come as too much of a surprise. But I doubt anyone could decipher what I meant when I write things such as this. I mean.. logically, how can you be miserable when there is no reason to it?
There should be a cause to an effect, but in my case.. I only write about the effect.. no cause in sight, yeah?

Like being afraid of commitment for fear of being screwed over. Aren't you supposed to get screwed over first before you guard yourself so much? Like surrendering yourself without even trying because you know you'll lose the battle.. Aren't you supposed to experience a battle lost before you decide to stop trying?
I am not exactly hiding or cowering away... but I.. float. I think I'm a floater. I'm in limbo.. constantly. Neither here nor there. I'm nowhere, really.
I think I've successfully made myself even more confused. heehee.

I honestly don't know what I'm trying to achieve tonight. Is this one of Wanie's psycho-babble? Probably. Just sometimes I feel so much and I don't even know where it came from. I just need to have an outlet for it or I'd wake the neighbours with my ugly shriek at 3AM -- I wouldn't want that. If I had a divine wail instead, I'd most probably go for that.

I suppose it's quite obvious that I am a glass half empty.
I just need to keep finding where they hid the water bottle to fill it up.

edited on 10:42 AM, June 23rd 2007.
Aaaa!! Benci benci!! Fergie bodo! Bodo bodo!! I get that Smudge hasn't been doing much when he's actually a striker.. tapi!! TAPI!! aaaa!! Sungguh kijam!! Okay, I'm just saying this because I like him. But I just hate rationalizing Ferguson's decision! Kasi can laa.. eeee!! Poor Smudger. *grunts* I'm going to miss him.. There's no way I'm going to support Newcastle just for him anyway... Err.. okay, maybe my heart will grow a little fonder for the Toon (like it does on Liverpool for Gerrard -- how unfortunate) but why do I feel like I'm having an affair! geez!
hahhahaha!! I can be so silly some days, I honestly can't help it.


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