Saturday, August 30, 2008


I don't handle rejections very well.
Correction: I don't handle rejections well at all! I am close to what you can call as a sore loser.

I honestly hate getting into something that I cannot win. Coming out empty handed does not do good to my pride/ego.
Wish I hadn't put as much thought on this but I'm undeniably bothered by it. What's worse.. admitting that I care this much is like giving an open invitation to a heavy-weight boxer to punch me square in the gut.
It's stupid.. painful and leaves you kneeling to the ground gasping for breath.

Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on this. I hate to sound so.. ungrateful and dramatic. I should be thankful for the things I've gained. It's not as if I've been handed with misfortunes all my life.
I've been trying to tell myself that perfectness is not possible (so I wouldn't be hurt as if it was the first time I've been hurt) but I can't help but feel sad about it. How sad it is to seek perfection and never achieving them.
Must I be grateful for being miserable too?
sigh. Dear God, what are your plans for me? I can't help but wonder why am I here in the first place. Have I done anything right at all? Is "pure bliss" by any chance written in my future? How long must I wait for it?

hmm.. I don't think those are fair questions to ask God.
I doubt I've fought enough to earn my happiness anyway.
I'd intended to write something semi-light believe it or not. haha!

Been spending my time reading Stephenie Meyer's leaked Midnight Sun. I must say I feel bad for reading them. As a writer's point of view.. it's really.. actually cruel to have your work released before you are ready for them to be released. I mean, it's hers to begin with..
I understand completely how broken-hearted she is about the whole thing.. that she's now releasing the part she'd wrote on her website even.. not knowing when it'll be completed.. or if it will even be completed.

I mean, really.. I get irked when somebody reads my Moleskine without my permission; and the things I wrote are not even worthy to be published.
I do hope she'll finish the book though. I will get a copy of it, since Twilight is my favourite in the series and having to know Edward's perspective of it is just.. so darn interesting.

I find myself squealing at certain parts.. getting a funny pang in my stomach by his thoughts. I suppose it's interesting.. learning the thoughts of a man in love.
Although it was written by a woman so I suppose I shouldn't take those too seriously.
I mentioned about this to the Boyfie last night.. I think I've forgotten half of the things he'd told me though. haha! Not because it was forgettable.. but because his thoughts are so.. fine with everything.
Fine with the distance.. mostly fine with the circumstances.. fine with me.

Which is why "Edward's" thoughts interests me!
The mess that is his head calms me ever so slightly.. somehow. hahaha! So anyway.. maybe that's my point in this entry.. I am.. a tad troubled, but calm.

Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.
Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I miss having happy thoughts.

It's been hot and sunny these days.
But I can't quite shake off the dark clouds that are hovering above my head.
Honest to God, it's tiring to brood over one thing or another all the time. I can't help but wonder how it feels like to NOT have something to think about all the time. Would it be bliss?
My problem when my mind actually quiets down is that I'd miss the voice. Suddenly losing something that you have had with you for all your life is bound to leave a big gap.

I am not me with the big gap.
But I am tired of being myself.
Can't I just forget all my thoughts and be FINE with it?
I want to rationalize my troubles as if it isn't mine to begin with. You all know how things are easier said than done.

I want to tell myself to forget and actually forget.
I want to heal myself from my mortal pain. (ha!)
I just.. want some peace of mind.

Forget that I'm aging.. forget that I haven't accomplished one single thing.. forget that I'm an awful waste of space who uses up the oxygen that I most probably do not deserve to breathe in.
I just feel bad for wasting so much time.. If I could give my years to one who is more deserving, I would. I would give five to a charitable man, five each to an old couple who still loves one another and ten to a kid who still has a lot to learn.
And should I only live to the age of 49, I shall be contented by the fact that I'd done this with my life.. ease up a bit of my pain from being everyone else's pain for almost 24 years.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I'm miserable.. and upset..
so you better not expect me to be all dandy and cheery.
Unless you ask me to pretend that I'm fine and fake what I'm feeling, you better just take what ever I have to give.
I feel like tiny pins are pricking my heart and I haven't got the slightest idea how to make it stop -- other than not caring, that is.. but it is way too late.
To not care is no longer an option.

I blame you.
Of course.

How frustrating...
Everything is just frustrating.
The circumstances frustrates me.
I'm just frustrated.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Maybe I should just take a knife and stab my heart straight.
(I'm counting on the fact that you have no idea what I am talking about. Just.. know that I am driving myself crazy again.)

In an attempt at moving on..
I want to write.
But I don't know what about.
My need to preserve myself and my want to share is clashing inside of me. Annoying, really.

hmm.. I need to distract myself from thinking altogether.
But the thing about doing house chores.. it keeps your hands busy, but they are so mundane that your thoughts run away the moment you start doing them.

And about distance.. I think it's making me even more mushy. Really annoying.
Aaack! 4pm.. I should go do the dishes -- I shall brace myself from those unwanted thoughts now.

Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I think I'm worried..

but then again, when am I not?

I don't know what to write. Feels like I should let go of my worries.. talk about it, maybe I'll ease up a bit instead of staring into space.
But I don't like talking about it!
I just.. hate talking about my failures.
gah, I'm so insecure, it's pathetic.

I'm shutting up now.

damn it's hot in Seremban!!
oh, I picked up Aqilah for the first time today. err.. I have no comment.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Goodbye weekend!!

So glad it's Monday.. somehow.
The busy weekend is finally over and today is Sylly's birthdayy!!

Happy Birthday Hunnyyy!!
Love you! ♥

Currently at Nina's place.. I can't help but wonder if I am to spend the next two months here. Not that I mind, (except maybe the incredibly sluggish internet connection) but I really can't help wondering..
What ever it is, no regrets!
I really did have fun meeting new people in the past two days.

Friends for the day: Zura, Ela, Nazir and Edwin. Neat people. Zura was really pretty, Ela was amazingly enlightening, Nazir reminds me of somebody I used to know in college, Edwin was such a hippie! hahaha!

Gotta go to bed real soon. So SO tired from waking up so early in the morning -- it's almost like a culture shock. hahahha!
Have a good week, everyone.

ps: I got my period.. once things were over, and I was calm.. hmm.. funny hormones.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

More than I can chew.

Super pooped.
I'm breaking down from having my mind being on overdrive.. constantly.

So here's the story of my life.. 85% of it, I spend it on a lull -- when things are quiet.. nothing ever happens, no matter how hard I pray for something to happen.. no place to go, nobody to see.. Just 85% of my life wasting away, filled by excruciating boredom. Then there's the 15%.. that usually comes in a series of unstoppable busy-ness.. when I freak out at the thought of having to breathe 'coz THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT, DAMMITTT!!
SO many things to do.. SO many people to see.. TOO many places to go to.. LOADS of things to think about (more than usual.)

Started off last night when I went out with my sis to karaoke with her friends. I could've skipped that since I have a thing to attend to in the morning, but noooo! I had to go with her. I can't stop myself from being me, it's stupid.

Now lets move on to something that I can't possibly complain about;
I made a couple of friends today. "Friends for the day", I should call them.

just the sides of their faces.. I don't reckon they would want their face on some random blog. hahaha!

Honest to God I really enjoyed making friends for the day. Must be one of the coolest things in existence. Tyler, if you found this blog somehow, thank you for sitting at my table. hehe. (psh!) Continue study, then *Langkawi!!* hahahhahaha!
I'm gonna see Inas again tomorrow (in the morning) though so anyway. I'm pretending to be oh-so cool now. psh, I don't need this.

The wait was mind-numbing, (yet heart-thumping) but spending them with two Water-bearers and a Bull was not bad at all. I rather enjoyed it actually.

Dida picked me up afterwards (I changed clothes in the car. haha!) and we headed to the National Stadium to catch the Malaysia Cup final -- which Kedah won against Selangor (yea yea..) by 3 - 2. But I must note that I was impressed by the Selangor fans. Our cheer was way louder than Kedah even though they'd filled half of their share of the stadium while we had SO many seats left. And, our Mexican wave is better.. and also our drums! hahahaha! duude.. we pioneered those, any other teams' would be a poor imitation in comparison to ours. muahahha!
I love those drum players.. even though never once in my life I saw where they're at.

Random note: Our Raja Muda is hot. Really.

Okay. I am going to just head to bed now, not even bothering to wash my face and panic about things I haven't done yet in the morning. All I wanna do right now is curl up in my bed, talk to the boyfie, probably end up crying a little from being SO damn tired and fall asleep.
Sounds like a plan!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

damn bloody nerves.

I am a nervous wreck.
Dida said that I don't have the right mind.
I think too much. Too hard on myself.
She said if I don't stop criticizing myself, how am I going to raise my self-esteem.
Well, excuse me for being realistic.

I.. am.. just.. so irritated right now.
I want to stop worrying, but I can't. I want to get it over with but I want to be ready.. not hastily end it for the sake of ending it.
Anyway, I'm tired of thinking.. and being annoyed.

My period's late so I'm really irritable. Not that it's a cause for concern (to any of you who are reading this,) but now I'm worrying about WHEN will it finally come. Stupid hormones.. why does it have to be governed by my emotions too. grr.
I bet it'll come when I least expect it just so the universe will have something new to laugh about me.

Maybe there is no reason to worry.. I mean, I don't exactly have anything to lose, do I?
I should settle some things before I head to bed.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Is it just me..

or this song actually sounds really sexy?

Cassie - Me & You

Ladies and gentlemen!.. Finally!


hahaha! No, I didn't finally have a drink.
That just happens to be the ad on the coaster. *sigh* And apparently I'm advertising it on my blog for free.. psh! (To be honest, I like Heineken better -- the ads I mean. Plus, they're Dutch! woot!)

Anyway.. after WEEKS of talking about it.. I finally got to eat these..
Triple Play! hahahha! It's not really hard to get it actually.. just.. me and Dida lack the patience, waiting around for a table. Chilli's is always so packed but because we've been there twice before, (but ended up in San Fran because we hated waiting) we decided to wait it out this time around.

wee~ Molten Chocolate Cake!! I was so full when this arrived but heehee.. ♥
Now.. I could say that I can die happy but I'd be lying. hehhe. I have a couple of things I must do first so.. NO DYING for me.. yet. (please.)
Anyway, I'm running out of things to write.

Oh! I had an odd dream early this morning. Kinda bugged me.. a little. If my subconcious is trying to tell me something.. well.. I think I'm worried...? Well, not too worried since the way I reacted in my dream was exactly the way I would react in real life.. just.. gah! Something about it just bugs me.

Okay, never been a fan of Mary J. Blige but I really like this song of hers;

Mary J Blige - Be Without You

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Can't stand the state that I'm in.

Maybe I shouldn't be listening to sad songs.
Maybe maybe maybe..

mm.. I'm not exactly.. depressed or anything. It's more like.. I don't know what to feel. I'm upset because it's irrational. Of course you're not supposed to be able to make sense of love but THAT just IRKS me!!
The fact that I understand a certain thing but I'm acting as if I don't.. and I can't even control my reactions! Just.. irritating. So so irritating.
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," I agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

Chapter 14, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Pushy.. pushy love. grr.

Brandi Carlile - What Can I Say

pshh. Let's pretend that I'm over that. I got this notification in my inbox today;
shawnjohnson (shawnjohnson) is now following your updates on Twitter.
Funny stuff. Considering the real Shawn Johnson is the Olympics medalist in gymnastic artistic. Oh yes, I know that because gymnastics and volleyball are pretty much the only Olympic events that I watch.
Kinda neat actually.. since I like her better than Nastia Liukin. Shawn Johnson smiles more. hahhaha!

So I missed the Canadian Team show on MIFC tonight. Dida's out with a friend so I'm stuck at home. Well.. not stuck per se. I just rather go with her than listen to her suggestions.. she had listed a few of my guy friends that I could "use" to bring me to the show. Horrible.
But the funny thing is.. the moment she said "I know who you could use!".. I'd think of a name and she would say the same name! HAHAHHA! Three freakin' times!! Oh God, I'm evil..
So anyway.. that's why I didn't call anyone anyway. I always end up feeling bad after I take-take-take; not worth it. But I do hope that Canada didn't do anything spectacular. That'll be a tad upsetting.

oh. Here's something weird. I did a search on my name in Twitter and apparently I don't exist. It only listed fourteen "wani(e)" and I wasn't among them. hmm.. I don't know how I feel about that. Good that I have my privacy? Bad because I don't exist? *sigh*

mm.. okay. That's it for tonight.
I need to find something relaxing to do.. cast my frustration and worry away. Far.. far away.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I cannot be without you,

matter of fact.

Here's my heart, you can have it.
(Well, it's already yours.)
I'd rather you not break it,
but if you must.. then I'll deal.

I'm on your back..

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Edward Cullen or Mr. Darcy?

To be honest, I was thinking of the Boyfie when I ask myself this. I know, I know.. it's probably too much and over the top to be comparing him to the most prominent characters from all the books that I've read.
Sure sure there's the boy wizard but he isn't exactly the boyfriend type, is he? What with the angst and the fact that some dark wizard tries to kill him every year. Also, I don't think having Hermione around would be good for my ego, so no no to Harry. And there's Morrie.. and Ian.. but gosh, they are so.. unreachable in a sense. Their optimism would probably make me cry at the end of the day. Then there's Langdon but uh.. really, I don't think we'd get along that well. I'd eventually think of him as boring and he'd lose patience over my frivolity.

So I ended up with two finalists.. Edward from the Twilight series and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. heehee.
See.. I told the Boyfie that he reminded me of Darcy because Nikki (our mutual friend online) kept telling everyone that Edward reminded her of my Boyfie. gah! Of course I'd thought of that when I first read Twilight -- the times I laughed because Edward said something that the Boyfie had once said to me.
but but.. he's MY Boyfie.. why does she kept telling people that. mmph! Honestly, I'd rather not have her think of Syl everytime she reads "Edward". blah. And now when I read about Edward, I'd think of how it reminds Nikki of MY boyfriend. grr. Kinda spoils my reading experience.
note: I have no problem with Nikki really. She's really nice and generally likeable. I'm just ME. (It's not her, it's me.. hahahha!!) It's not jealousy in the typical sense. At least not to me :P

Like I said though, you do kinda remind me of Mr. Darcy, hun; how persistent you can be sometimes.. how badly you fail at brooding 'coz you always end up telling me how you really feel.. and especially how anti-social you can be that everyone else has no idea how you really are. Yet you let me in.. heehee. Lucky me!
That pretty much describes Edward too but he's mastered the art of brooding, he lies.. and most of all, he's a vampire. hahahha! I don't think the Boyfie is a vampire, so..

But really.. I'm not exactly Elizabeth Bennet. Our similarities are limited to the fact that we love our dads more than we love our moms, we love reading, fail at painting and a pretty lousy musician. Okay, probably it's safe to say that we have similar sense of humour too.
And nor am I Bella Swan.. we bruise ourselves more than normal people but I'm slightly more coordinated in sports (at least I think I am.) But I can't cook.. or drive. sigh.
So I'm not exactly worthy for an 'Edward Cullen' or a 'Mr. Darcy' am I?

Actually it's quite embarassing to be writing about this but I still want to run my thoughts through somewhere.. but enough of that. The fact that I'm just ME is a wee bit depressing. Why do I even think of these stuff anyway? sheesh.

Brandi Carlile - Closer To You

Monday, August 18, 2008

Super annoying busy body.

Ok sweetums. U have fun k? Miss u always... *muah*
18-Aug-08 12:27

You are so incredibly annoying.
The funny thing was.. while you were gone, Lin asked me "is he always as annoying?" HAHAHHAHA! I swear, that remark kinda made my day.

So Rai called me earlier and asked me to come accompany him in MidValley while his mom and grandma shop. Despite the fact that I went to bed at 6am I honestly couldn't leave him alone. Really, it's these stupid little things that I'm best at; stupid things that made me validate myself as a "friend in need" (since I'm pretty lousy in the other areas). bwahahaha!

I was thinking.. I have a VERY good reason for not getting you anything for your birthday.. Pet, you have free pass to annoy me for the rest of my life! What more do you want??!

Happy belated birthday anyway.. :P

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Hey ho!

he he he he
Turns out I get to spend another week at home.
Jasmin gets to stay home for another week 'coz apparently it's the school holidays next week. So Nina will have company during the weekday; and I'll get to stay at home until next weekend! yayyyy!!

Last night was the second fireworks show of MIFC in Putrajaya. It was the China's team and I thought theirs was entertaining. A wee bit better than Malaysia's but it wasn't too impressive in comparison. A bit slow, in a way.
This time me and Dida had brought along our mom -- because we'd brought the kiddies along too. haha. Those two were.. LOUD! Shouting every colours that came out in the sky! hahaha. Hilarious, if you weren't related to them. hahahahha!

We'd thought that the show would begin at 9:30 but nooooo.. it started at 10:00! grr.. I honestly hate the MIFC website. For one, it has a hideous layout! Two, they don't update the schedule as frequently/immediately as they should. Horrible people!

As we were waiting.. I took a pic of the full moon. blah. I was bored.

Looking forward to tomorrow's volleyball event on the Olympics! Men's Team Russia!! woot!! I've taken a liking to Yury Berezhko.. 6'6".. my age! ha-ha-ha! I like him for his skills.. but he's kinda cute too. hehe.

I probably should plan something in celebration of my extra week at home. hmm.. Azraaaaiiii!!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008


(something I picked up from the boyfie.. haha!)

Good Morning, Wanie!
You have 9 unread messages in your Inbox

gah! If only they'd been love letters.. or at least emails from my actual friends. Instead, 5 of them were notifications, 2 were something that I subscribed to (one of those is the RedView. hehhe), one was from a random blogger that I've talked to previously and another was a sneaky spam that had somehow managed to creep into the inbox. I opened it, naturally bowing to my curiosity. It went.. yada yada bla blaa Jesus Christ.. NU UHH!! I don't think I'll read it any further, thanks!

I was rereading Breaking Dawn earlier.. interestingly at the part where Bella and Edward was in Isle Esme *coughs*, when the boyfie called in his groggy voice just to wish me something before he goes back to sleep. I could barely hear him with the hurricane of a sound that came from his fan; took me a second to make out his words and when I did, I got kinda giddy. heehee. ♥

Guess today's date kinda slipped my mind since all I've been thinking about is the fact that it's Saturday. I'm worried.. and a bit heavy hearted since I'm leaving for Nina's place later today. I'm trying to mend my sorrows by eating some cookies now.

Dida brought 400 grams of Famous Amos cookies when she got home earlier. 200 of choc-chip no nut and 200 of choc-chip with pecans. Sugaaaaaaaaa~!! ♥ I doubt she'd let me finish those but at least my heart is mending.. a little.
I still want Triple Play and Molten Chocolate Cake though.
I wonder if I should spend my birthday at Chilli's or San Fran. hmm.. tough call. Free cake with (an unpreferable) 15-seconds of fame or free drink with a serenade by people who practically knows you?
err.. I think I'll actually cry if I have to wait 'til my birthday to get that damn chocolate cake. Why the HECK am I thinking about my birthday NOW! sheesh!

Moving on, I injured both of my hands yesterday. The right during late last night.. when I tried to unscrew an incredibly stubborn bottle cap. I was cursing SO MUCH! Almost cried even!! hahaha! I mean, the cap just won't budge and I was too stubborn to leave it alone. The ending to this story; I have a teeeny tiny cut in my palm (caused by friction) that stings everytime I unscrew/twist anything with my right hand. And as for that damn bottle, I drank every drop of its content before I flung it to the bin! MUAHAHAHA!
The left happened in the afternoon; I was sitting in an awkward position on a stool and when I got wobbly, I stopped myself from falling over with my left hand. Don't ask me how, but it seemed like I had focused the weight of my torso on my very thumb. I know.. stupid and odd.. I heard the joint from my palm to my thumb click. It's fine though.. I can still wiggle my thumb. hehe.

Okay. That's about it.
I should probably head to bed. Bored. blah.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Sorry, Pet :(

Went to watch the first semi-final Super League with Dida last night. Selangor vs. Johor FC. It was pretty boring. haha. Selangor scored at the 18th minute-- then nothing! I was restless for the next 70 minutes and then the second goal at 90+th minute!
I must say that it was a nice ending though.
The celebration went on like we'd won the cup!..weird people.
But nice. heh.

Earlier yesterday, I tried the new burger in McD; Big and Tasty. The name is kinda hilarious. Maybe they ran out of smart names.. I thought it tasted like the Quarter Pounder but less.. spicy somehow. Not that the QP is spicy, but B&T was.. mild, in a way.
Anyway, I liked it. Glad I tried it. I feel bad for not trying the MegaMac when they had it. Not that I'm a fan of BigMac or anything but I told Dida that MegaMac was like.. one of the things you have to do before you die. hahaha! "Conquer MegaMac". gah! Dida reckon that the MegaMac was only around for the EURO Cup. mmph.. I wonder if it'll make another appearance in the future. I shall conquer it!! yosh!

Now talking about food -- I shouldn't be talking about it.
I'm fasting today.. less than 3 hours to go before I can break-fast! woot! Nothing to look forward to, really.. I'm not sure that I'll get to break-fast with any proper food since everyone's so busy lately.
Wish I could have Triple Play and Molten Chocolate Cake before I go to Seremban.. but it seems unlikely. I have to stop hoping before I get depressed now.

Azraai, sorry I refused to go out today. Bad timing dude. Should've told me last night if you'd wanted to go out. No way I'd say yes to an afternoon of watching you eat. grr. And next week I'll be in Seremban.. starting Saturday really.. KIDNAP ME PLEAAAASE!!!!

I still like this song;

Weezer - I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Been thinking about Europe lately.
Maybe because I've been sitting at home for too long.
Also maybe because my sense of smell was working pretty odd last week. I was with my dad in A&W one night, and as we were just talking about the annoying songs that are somehow just stuck in your head for an entire day.. I smelled something that brought my mind to Netherlands. It was as if I was back in Dida's place again. The house we lived in had a distinct smell. It wasn't like a perfume or anything.. it smelled like.. cleaning products (haha!) but it wasn't unpleasant.

The smell kind of wafted twice. Twice I frowned 'cause I didn't know where it came from. I was eating a coney dog and that was definitely not the source of the smell. The place itself had a different kind of smell. When I tried to find that familiar smell again, it was nowhere. As if it was only there to tease my memory. sigh.

So I'd spent my afternoon looking at our old travel pictures. One made me chuckle. It was a pic of Dida sleeping in the train on our way back to Rotterdam Centraal after the boat ride from UK. (I think!) I remembered the lady who was sitting next to her scooted away when I picked up the camera. She grinned after I snapped the picture. hehe.

I miss those. Those quick connections you make with a stranger. I also miss trains.. and trams.. Beurs, H&M, Albert Heijn, Johma's crab salade, Blue Ribbon white breads.. the chilling wind that made my bones shiver once I stepped out of the Metro station.. Belgian waffles.. the annoying beeps that the traffic lights made when it's okay for pedestrians to cross the road..
mmph. I should go out more. I don't reckon it's healthy to miss something in the past.. especially since my present isn't so bad and there are things to look forward to in the future.

For reference: Dida's album of her place in Rotterdam on Facebook.


The Malaysian International Fireworks Competition began last night and it'd started off with the Malaysian Team (naturally). It wasn't as impressive as last year's performance by the Italian or Japanese team, but fireworks.. I love!

I saw a show on the Discovery Channel once.. it explained why we (humans) like watching fireworks. Apparently our brains register that fireworks are dangerous but they are in a controlled environment; safe. Basically we are all actually adrenaline junkies, just that most of us are not into endangering ourselves to pick up an extreme sport.
umm.. I'm pretty sure that the real explanation is very scientific but that's about the only thing I remember about the show really. "Basically". hahaha!

Quote of the day:
"Akhirnye.. Jasmin telah dijinakkan."
-- Dida

(in reference to the fact that Aqilah is fairer than her sisters.)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dumb like that.

mmph. I'm having a random pang in my heart.
Must be that time of the month again. I noticed recently that I do get mood swings when I'm PMSing. Only difference between me and most women is that my mood swings from happy to sad/depressed while they get from happy to extremely irritable. I'm not sure if I'd prefer jumping on anyone's throat because of the hormones but I don't like feeling like rubbish either. hmm.. I don't know.

hap·py [hap-ee]
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.

So I've been thinking about that since Sunday. I blame Dida, Kak Shida and Su for taking away my peace of mind. (haha! Like that's even possible -- you can't lose what you never had.)
They asked me, what makes me happy.
It was daunting to have three pairs of eyes staring at you when you have no definitive answer. My eyes darted from each of their faces as my mouth opens and closes in panic.

What makes me happy?
What makes Wanie happy?
I honestly don't know.. it should be easy to answer but I really don't know.
Funny.. here's a lame confession; ever since 2005, when I see "the first star" I see at night, I'd wish for "happiness". Well, I was depressed then and general happiness had sounded like a good enough wish.
But now seems to be the perfect time to focus on the specifics -- on what makes me happy.. of what will KEEP me happy.
Damn, bloody freakin' mind. Why does it have to think about these dumb questions.

I was re-reading my result to one of those personality tests on Facebook; the one that tells me that I'm an INFP, an Idealist.
Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.
Bloody hell, I want to scream!!!
Oh, according to my personal DNA, my confidence level is 4 out of 100. hahahhaha! I hate that my score was so pathetic but I can't complain.. I doubt that I can do better.. HAHAHHAHAHA!! Stupid self-doubt.

I can't help but feel that I over-think things.. over-feel things. I should over-drink.
mmph. I just.. I just want to stop feeling so lost and incomplete. I want to be able to plan for the future and not fear it. I want.. assurance.. that the things I touch won't be doomed to crumble.
hmm.. why do I even feel this way anyway? God, I have no idea... please make me understand!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

baby talk.

Nina gave birth to a baby girl yesterday afternoon.. (surprise, surprise..)
The kiddies; Izzati and Farhana chose the name Arifah Aqilah for the tiny one. Everyone sort of agreed that she looks like Nina! Uh, she's.. fairer than her sisters, but really.. she does have some resemblance to some of Nina's baby pictures.

I hate how babies make me feel. Note: I don't hate THEM.. and okay, "hate" is such a strong word. Let's say that babies make me uncomfortable then. I'm sure that's not what they'd wanted to make me feel but I do anyway. Mainly because my maternal instinct is pretty much non existent.
I always end up staring at the kid with furrowed brows, trying to understand their blabber and why they do the things that they do. Of course, it's just frustrating 'cause nothing makes sense. Babies.. are a complete mystery to me.

Then Nina wants me to come over and stay at her place, take care of her (better her than the baby..) and keep her company for a month.. or two. hmm.. two months in Seremban, we'll see how that'll turn out. She'd asked me to come weeks ago and I'd took the longest time to reply; until she said that I owed her for all the diapers she'd changed when I was a baby -- GREAT! Way to go and make me feel guilty for being a baby once upon a time.

I don't really mind staying with Nina.. we could talk about a lot of things. Spending time with her would be wonderful! Except the part where I'm supposed to "take care" of her. I almost cried at the hospital earlier 'cause I was hit by a panic attack. Dida expects me to intuitively know Nina's needs as she did when she took care of Nina when Izzati was born. But really, this is the time I would point my index finger to my face and scream, "YOUNGEST CHIIIILLLD!!!!" It probably doesn't sound like an acceptable reason but really.. I was never exposed to enough babies to have that caring sense developed!! I am cold! I push people away! I keep to myself. Hello??!
Panic mode again!

This blows. This really really blows.
I bet I'm going to cry a lot when I'm in Seremban. At nights most probably, after a full day of staring at Nina's tried-to-seem-non-judgmental-but-failed brown eyes.
ughh.. I'm a sad excuse of a human being. I'm such a horrible sister.. seriously, God shouldn't have played me this way. Making my family take responsibility of this burden is just cruel..

Dammit. This had seemed like a pretty bad week eh?
blah. I need to get to bed.

Friday, August 08, 2008


If I ask reaaaally nicely..
Can I cry? Please please?
Of course it's unnecessary and completely useless, but in a way it's better than screaming, since attention is the last thing I want right now.

You see.. I don't like it when people care. (read: butting in) I like to do things on my own. Do them on my time.. not getting any help even though it could make things easier.
I suppose I should admit that I'm afraid of failing.
And if I fail when I didn't get any help.. it won't be too bad. Maybe I'm simply not good enough at the time, I can accept that.. eventually. But if I fail even with some help, that would mean that I fail because I just SUCKED. The end. No wishful thinking.. no what-ifs.. things I could have done..
I failed because I am a failure.

Damn expectations.. I hate them just because I expect too much of myself. To have other people expect of me too would be unbearable. I would break.
Despite my dislike towards mediocrity, perhaps I'm getting more comfortable in it. Thus I am doing nothing to change anything.
gahh! Okay, I hate myself for saying that. Dammit!
I don't want to talk about this honestly. I'll just do what ever the hell they had wanted me to do and just let it be. I just hate hate HATE them knowing exactly what I'm up to.

If we all did the things we are capable of,
we would astound ourselves.

Thomas Edison

Moving on.. saw this on a random blog;
7 reasons you would NOT want me to be your girlfriend.
I suppose this is a bit too late considering I'm already somebody's girlfriend but anyway, maybe he'll take some points.

Reason #1 as demonstrated above, I push people away. One step forward, two steps back.. some sort of a mantra sometimes.
Reason #2 I am an incredibly selfish creature. I'm self-centred and stubborn as hell. I can only see MY hardship. You say you're miserable, I'M miserable! You say you miss me, I miss you! You say you love me, I love you more, asshole!
Reason #3 did anyone notice the state of my mental health most of the time? I'm constantly upset over something.. I don't suppose that's healthy.
Reason #4 I'm not a brilliant conversationalist. I keep half the things that I want to say because I don't know how to say them. I don't like talking for the sake of talking; I don't ask people how their day was because it does not interest me. In other words, I'm not that "caring".
Reason #5 I like my guy friends. I like my girl friends. They've kept me somewhat sane when they were around so I appreciate them. They are fun to be around with. I wanna keep them. Can I keep them, boyfie? *bats eyes*
Reason #6 there will be moments.. during my emotionally retarded period, where I would rather be left alone and out of anybody's reach. During that time, I'd take my personal space very seriously. It's baaad.
Reason #7 I'm a bad liar. hahhaha! Okay, not that I want a relationship to be based on lies, but I cannot even lie to save myself.. or make anybody happy. I am honest to a fault. My conscience causes more harm than good. Even half-truths eat me up inside. Terrible.

And for those reasons.. I cannot let go. I have a certain opinion of myself and to have anyone look over them must have been luck on my side. So I'm kinda.. still.. waiting for my luck to run out.
I'm morbid, so sue me.

took me almost 8 hours to finish writing this entry.. blah

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Mysterious bruise..


yea yea I know it's small but it's still a mystery!
I have no idea how I got it and it doesn't exactly hurt.. it just.. curiously sits there. I've rubbed it a bunch of times -- no, it isn't some marker stain or anything like that, so I guess.. it is a bruise.
I swear the things that my body does just boggles my mind sometimes. I'm thinking of that time I had a curious mark on my neck that Dida teased it was a love bite. hahaha!

[him] go shower
[me] nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
[him] it's overdue
Next time I'll lie and tell you that I had my shower the day before! MUAHAHAHHAA!! (bleh.. but you know I'm not gonna lie...)

hmm.. I'm suddenly thinking of the name my dad used to call me when I was little.
I should ask him tonight. It somehow slipped my mind. bah!

My mind is jumping between thoughts again..

This is a weird song to listen to.. so don't ask me how I came by it;

Erasure - Save Me Darling

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Everybody's sidekick.

I was thinking of something while I was out with my dad last night. For what ever reason I'd felt like his sidekick at that time. Because I felt his need for company, I decided to leave my book and go out with him.
Same as how I'd feel about Dida sometimes.. of course I love going out, I'd take every chance I can get. I guess after countless of years being selfish and very self-oriented, it'd felt kinda weird to be doing things for somebody else. Even though it's really a small, measly, barely noticeable gesture. (I'm still self-oriented so of course I noticed the change! haha!)

Moving on..
I don't know how to start, but I can't say that it didn't hurt. What ever.. getting everything I want is simply not possible, so I'll live.

So I didn't get much sleep last night (this morning really) 'coz I've been reading Breaking Dawn since I got it yesterday afternoon. I must say, a page sort of stood out to me.
Life sucks, and then you die

Yeah, I should be so lucky.
Page 143, Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

mm.. the content and the page number just amused me.
Let's all agree that my mind works in a weird way and the silliest things could easily distract me.

Eileen had an entry up on her blog.. about "your temper according to your horoscope". Apparently mine reads;
You are insensible and generally have no complete control over your emotions. You do get angry quickly and others marvel at your anger levels even when provoked. Actually, you get tongue-tied when angry and you will remove your anger waiting for the other person to calm down. Then you will reason with your opponent and convince the other person in a very gentle manner that the whole thing was just his mistake. You’re also likely to totally sever ties with someone when you’re upset with them.
I know it's horrible to admit but that very last part.. is so true.

mm.. I was sure I had something else to type out but I'm sort of out of time. I'll think of something for some other time.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Meaningless quotes for ya'


"Tiba tiba jadi bini"

"Bed in breakfast"

"Mana dia dapat duit?"
"Dia rompak bank"
"Dekat dah, ade something dengan bank"
"Dia tido ngan orang bank?"


Everytime we actually got together with the rest of the family.. we always end up sitting with each other; instead of joining our cousins and aunts and uncles.. mingling. That's probably not right.. but I don't think the others could share our little jokes. Well, it'd be wrong to share our jokes with them.

It's nice having sisters whom you can talk to. It's nice knowing that you have someone who will be there for you, share things with you.. and I have two.
If there's anything that my parents had actually done right.. truly right.. it would be how they've brought the three of us up to be this close.
For that I am grateful.

Other than that, I am tired and miserable..

It was '92

..and The Moffatts were hot.
Thus, every single time I hear I Miss You Like Crazy somewhere, I can't help but cringe.
I blame Azraai for that. Him and his big mouth.. telling me things about his bestfriend then. hahahha!
Those blasted memories.. why do I have to remember unnecessary things like that.

It's weird.. I never really like taking showers but it's during those times when I think the most. (Maybe THAT's why I don't like taking showers..?)
Taking a shower is so mundane.. my mind is usually on overdrive then, just so I have something else to do.

So sometimes I think about people, but not in any sexual way. (sorry to disappoint. ha!) I suppose that should be weird.

Anyway, this is such a pointless entry.
It's been so hot in Shah Alam these days. sheesh! I miss Rotterdam. Dida was uploading some photos to her Facebook profile last night.. sigh. kapsalon!!

Friday, August 01, 2008

"Macam outside, tapi inside"


Yesterday with Ana was nice.

But oy, my computer is making me miserable.
Not being able to reach him anytime I like is making me miserable.
Having to wait 'til Monday for Breaking Dawn is making me miserable.. and anxious.
I'm just miserable, basically.

Oh, and out of boredom, I'd pulled out all the gray hair I could find at the front of my head. It wasn't out of vanity.. keeping them would be vanity.. (they've always made me feel like Rogue.. I like! haha!) So anyway.. I found eight. Kinda amusing..

Thoughts by The Uninspired. © 2014

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