Sunday, August 10, 2008

baby talk.

Nina gave birth to a baby girl yesterday afternoon.. (surprise, surprise..)
The kiddies; Izzati and Farhana chose the name Arifah Aqilah for the tiny one. Everyone sort of agreed that she looks like Nina! Uh, she's.. fairer than her sisters, but really.. she does have some resemblance to some of Nina's baby pictures.

I hate how babies make me feel. Note: I don't hate THEM.. and okay, "hate" is such a strong word. Let's say that babies make me uncomfortable then. I'm sure that's not what they'd wanted to make me feel but I do anyway. Mainly because my maternal instinct is pretty much non existent.
I always end up staring at the kid with furrowed brows, trying to understand their blabber and why they do the things that they do. Of course, it's just frustrating 'cause nothing makes sense. Babies.. are a complete mystery to me.

Then Nina wants me to come over and stay at her place, take care of her (better her than the baby..) and keep her company for a month.. or two. hmm.. two months in Seremban, we'll see how that'll turn out. She'd asked me to come weeks ago and I'd took the longest time to reply; until she said that I owed her for all the diapers she'd changed when I was a baby -- GREAT! Way to go and make me feel guilty for being a baby once upon a time.

I don't really mind staying with Nina.. we could talk about a lot of things. Spending time with her would be wonderful! Except the part where I'm supposed to "take care" of her. I almost cried at the hospital earlier 'cause I was hit by a panic attack. Dida expects me to intuitively know Nina's needs as she did when she took care of Nina when Izzati was born. But really, this is the time I would point my index finger to my face and scream, "YOUNGEST CHIIIILLLD!!!!" It probably doesn't sound like an acceptable reason but really.. I was never exposed to enough babies to have that caring sense developed!! I am cold! I push people away! I keep to myself. Hello??!
Panic mode again!

This blows. This really really blows.
I bet I'm going to cry a lot when I'm in Seremban. At nights most probably, after a full day of staring at Nina's tried-to-seem-non-judgmental-but-failed brown eyes.
ughh.. I'm a sad excuse of a human being. I'm such a horrible sister.. seriously, God shouldn't have played me this way. Making my family take responsibility of this burden is just cruel..

Dammit. This had seemed like a pretty bad week eh?
blah. I need to get to bed.


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