Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dumb like that.

mmph. I'm having a random pang in my heart.
Must be that time of the month again. I noticed recently that I do get mood swings when I'm PMSing. Only difference between me and most women is that my mood swings from happy to sad/depressed while they get from happy to extremely irritable. I'm not sure if I'd prefer jumping on anyone's throat because of the hormones but I don't like feeling like rubbish either. hmm.. I don't know.

hap·py [hap-ee]
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.


So I've been thinking about that since Sunday. I blame Dida, Kak Shida and Su for taking away my peace of mind. (haha! Like that's even possible -- you can't lose what you never had.)
They asked me, what makes me happy.
It was daunting to have three pairs of eyes staring at you when you have no definitive answer. My eyes darted from each of their faces as my mouth opens and closes in panic.

What makes me happy?
What makes Wanie happy?
I honestly don't know.. it should be easy to answer but I really don't know.
Funny.. here's a lame confession; ever since 2005, when I see "the first star" I see at night, I'd wish for "happiness". Well, I was depressed then and general happiness had sounded like a good enough wish.
But now seems to be the perfect time to focus on the specifics -- on what makes me happy.. of what will KEEP me happy.
Damn, bloody freakin' mind. Why does it have to think about these dumb questions.

I was re-reading my result to one of those personality tests on Facebook; the one that tells me that I'm an INFP, an Idealist.
Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.
Bloody hell, I want to scream!!!
Oh, according to my personal DNA, my confidence level is 4 out of 100. hahahhaha! I hate that my score was so pathetic but I can't complain.. I doubt that I can do better.. HAHAHHAHAHA!! Stupid self-doubt.


I can't help but feel that I over-think things.. over-feel things. I should over-drink.
mmph. I just.. I just want to stop feeling so lost and incomplete. I want to be able to plan for the future and not fear it. I want.. assurance.. that the things I touch won't be doomed to crumble.
hmm.. why do I even feel this way anyway? God, I have no idea... please make me understand!

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