Friday, August 29, 2008

I miss having happy thoughts.

It's been hot and sunny these days.
But I can't quite shake off the dark clouds that are hovering above my head.
Honest to God, it's tiring to brood over one thing or another all the time. I can't help but wonder how it feels like to NOT have something to think about all the time. Would it be bliss?
My problem when my mind actually quiets down is that I'd miss the voice. Suddenly losing something that you have had with you for all your life is bound to leave a big gap.

I am not me with the big gap.
But I am tired of being myself.
Can't I just forget all my thoughts and be FINE with it?
I want to rationalize my troubles as if it isn't mine to begin with. You all know how things are easier said than done.

I want to tell myself to forget and actually forget.
I want to heal myself from my mortal pain. (ha!)
I just.. want some peace of mind.

Forget that I'm aging.. forget that I haven't accomplished one single thing.. forget that I'm an awful waste of space who uses up the oxygen that I most probably do not deserve to breathe in.
I just feel bad for wasting so much time.. If I could give my years to one who is more deserving, I would. I would give five to a charitable man, five each to an old couple who still loves one another and ten to a kid who still has a lot to learn.
And should I only live to the age of 49, I shall be contented by the fact that I'd done this with my life.. ease up a bit of my pain from being everyone else's pain for almost 24 years.


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