Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Like a haystack.

I woke up to a bunch of thoughts this morning.
Yes, I said morning.
I opened my eyes at half past seven (despite falling asleep a little after two) because it is SO bright outside. I swear it was like summer in Rotterdam -- warm, bright and absolutely annoying.

Oh.. my...
I just found my.. err.. first doomed ex-bf on Facebook. hahahha!! OMG. It's funny knowing that he still exists. I mean, it's good knowing that he still is.. but funny. And how I knew it WAS him was by looking at his birthdate! HAHAHHA! After all these years, I still remember his birthday. (Ah well.. I remember people's zodiac sign really.. and that led me to remember the dates.)
Blasts from the past are so funny sometimes.

uhh.. anyway. Morning. Thoughts.
I was thinking of what am I going to do with the rest of my life..
and I can't think of anything.
Horrible, right?
I wish somebody could just tell me what I should do.. but I'm not exactly the kind of person who would listen to what people tell me to do. I'm too hard headed for my own good, so that wouldn't work.
So what would?
What would? What would? What would?
I can't believe I've spent the past two years wasting away..

I am not a particularly ambitious person. Nor am I very competitive. I will be fine with what ever that I do as long as I'm passionate about it.. if it makes me happy. Seeing my family and friends having a goal of a sort.. I envy them.
I envy how rational they are to do the job that they hate but realizes how necessary it is to do them anyway. hahahha!
Is it growing up -- to let go of your secret wish.. your one true dream and join the mass of grown ups whom had decided to "suck it up" and LIVE?
mmph.. maybe I am simply a spoilt brat and a coward.

Nina wondered why I think the way I think again last night.
I was wondering about near-death experiences and I had none what so ever. Both of my sisters may not have had an actual "near-death" experience but both of them have been in accidents before. Me -- never; which led me to think that probably by the time I get into an accident, it won't just be a near-death experience.
I don't know.. it frustrates me to think that my time could be up at any single moment and yet I am not exactly living life as I feel I should be.

ughh.. I hate that I feel so LOST sometimes.
Can't things just click? Perhaps a stranger pointing towards a direction that would WORK.
I'm so so tired.. I wonder if there is anything I could do to dull my thoughts.
Took me 6 hours to type these out. HAHAHA! Pathetic.

Dishwalla - Home

In case you're wondering. It was my hair that had looked like a haystack when I woke up this morning. It was the first thing that I thought of when I saw myself in the mirror. Of course after I thought of those exact words, I remembered that it was exactly what Edward said in the morning after the first time he "officially" stayed the night at Bella's place. (Obviously a bit of the book is embedded to my brain now.)


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