Friday, October 24, 2008

Please stop screwing me up.

Here's yet another entry where I'm going to tell you how my parents has influenced me into becoming a less than ideal human being person. If you happen to be a 60-year old male, has three daughters, works in a company with his brothers and living in Shah Alam, Pa, stop reading this.

I have a HUMONGOUS doubt over the marriage institution. So much so that I even told a few people that "I don't believe in marriage". So much so that I have considered a life as a spinster.

I can't remember the last time that my entire family was happy.. truly happy instead of being "civil". Civility frustrates me.
Here I will tell you that my parents do not shout at each others throats. They do not throw things at each other. They do not communicate. It is SO bad that I don't communicate. So bad that I wish I could smack them both and lock them into a room with everything breakable I could grab as I drag them into that room. Kill each other if you must -- so long as I wouldn't have to see the damn silence.

They are the perfect example of the two souls who aren't meant to be together. Sure sure, if it wasn't for them, most probably I wouldn't be here. (Then again I would've probably been born in a different family -- although I do adore my sisters, so I'm not so sure I'd trade my parents at the cost of MY sisters.)

Having this as an example.. gives me very little hope in "marriage". Perhaps I'm the extremist as my sisters had agreed on -- do it whole heartedly or don't do it at all. Why bother when you're not going to jump in with both feet?
Why bother having a partner when you don't share everything?
Why bother?

Interestingly.. unfortunately.. My dad did told me that he was happy once. Can you imagine the impact of those words to a child's point of view? I am 23 years old, a young adult.. and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't laugh at it. I couldn't stop feeling sad over it. Maybe he shouldn't have told me that. Too much information -- except that I crave for information as my mother has the maturity level of a 19-year old, and shares NOTHING with me.

Their screw ups has made me a perfectionist when it comes to relationships. If my partner was boring me, I'd cut them off. If we ran out of things to talk about, I'd cut them off. If they'd expected more of me than what I was ready to give them, I'd cut them off. If I find myself hiding more and more things about myself than revealing them, I'd cut them off.
People rarely ever change. It is our views about them that changed so you shouldn't be in a commitment with the hopes that your partner will change.
heh. See how dark my views are about relationships? *claps for the parents*
Unless I could see a slight chance of achieving perfection.. why bother.

My future spouse will have a hard time convincing me to get married. hahhaha! Dida asked me an interesting question the other night. She asked me how would I feel if my child wants to marry a non-Muslim. Me being me, I said I would be fine. She knows me, but for the sake of your understanding; I'm not really religious. I'm merely comfortable being a Muslim, but I don't practice it much. I believe in Allah.. because I like to believe in something bigger than life. A reason to why things happened the way that it did without me having to drive myself insane looking for an answer.
So to have an intellectual understanding is the main criteria I look for in a spouse -- instead of the person being in the same religion as it's supposed to be. (Please don't ask me how I feel about gays! haha!)
Have I sinned for admitting these?

I don't know.. maybe.
My point; I'd rather end up as a spinster than being in a commitment that I'd be miserable in. I just don't understand how anyone would choose to be stuck with misery only for the sake of "being together".

bah. I'm rambling. See, if my parents weren't having the same drama since the past month (plus ten years), I wouldn't have things to reflect on or ramble about.
Blame them for making me -- ME.
Not that it makes me feel any better. I don't like myself too much.

Goodnight world.


Jangteh said...

Careful now. A friend of mine was as adamant like you about marriage. The next thing I knew, she got married. Getting married is just like paragliding - love it too much to be thinking about consequences, until you fell, and broke a leg. but you will jump again and again- because the 'rush' is awesome lah.

Monkey's Bunny said...

maybe I do feel that marriage is like an extreme sport. it's reckless and stupid, freaks me out, but I might do it once in my life anyway.

I'm not saying that I don't want to get married. just that if I'm going to, the guy would have to be really good at convincing me why it would be better for us to get married. (unexpected pregnancy? HAHAHAHAHHA!)

Suree said...

Wanie, I don't think your relationship with your dad is bad at all. I remember once when we were in Alpha, I saw you hugging your dad and I actually had tears in my eyes. My dad never did that to me. I believe all families have their flaws.

And to grow up in a broken family, lagi tak best.

Girl That Jumps said...

gay people are selfish people and i cant say much about relationship and marriage because you know how bias my point of view will be.

Girl That Jumps said...

oh the part about gay people.. it is solely base on Malaysia gay/lesbian scene.

Monkey's Bunny said...

Ana -- I wasn't saying that my relationship with my dad is bad.. I think we have a pretty good connection there but there are just things that a child shouldn't know.. from their parents.

you know.. truth hurts so we'd like to believe in the lie and be in denial.
say if you see your parents are really aging and becoming frail with your very own eyes.. you'd like to believe that they'll live forever, kan?
it's the same concept, just different situations.

Bahijah -- I think we should discuss those the next time we meet. I don't think I remember exactly how you feel about those subjects. hehe.
I'm curious now.

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