Tuesday, September 21, 2010

General anaesthesia.

It's odd to be in a dreamless sleep.
Even odder to be blinking your eyes while you're in a room one second and suddenly be in a different room the next second.

Nothing much going on in my life honestly. Just boring.. Boring.. Boring..
Mostly just one big confusing emptiness.

And I'm tired of talking.. Even writing about this very specific emptiness.. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I'm in an endless loop of.. Pain.
No other word to describe it.
Just pure, simple, uncomplicated.. Pain.

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

To age prematurely..

So I was told that I'm a good secret keeper.
The thing about keeping secrets though, unless you'd forgotten about it, the words said will keep repeating itself in your mind.
Without you wanting it, you'd keep thinking about it.. Over and over again.

Feels like I'm jumping years these past few weeks. It doesn't help that my hair are prone to turn grey at the top part of my head. Sure it made me feel like Rogue of X-Men but having grey hair doesn't bode well with a job where your looks are important.

Not sure if the ages that I've acquired is making me more mature..
To be honest I'd prefer to live in denial and pretence than to face myself at this moment. I keep hoping that I've been dreaming all along.
But I am not.
So I'm forced to face my problems head on.

Which sucks.
And heart-breaking.
I wish I could talk to my sisters about it but I doubt they will just 'listen'. And my current friends are mostly 'kids' who shouldn't be burdened by my troubles. My older friends seems to be too attached to their spouses/boyfriends that the idea of them sharing what I have to say doesn't seem like the best idea. And as much as I love and trust my far-friends.. As much as I do share with them.. They are far from here.

So all I have is myself.. Again.
Ageing twice as fast than the normal speed because I have too much to think about.
And all these things are giving me a lazy-phase about work. I am getting too damn lazy to get out of bed and make myself look pretty when I feel nothing but ugly inside.

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Monday, September 13, 2010

To be lonely.

Must I do everything alone?
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean that I should.

I hate it when I am expected to be independent when really.. I shouldn't be left alone.

Is this what I deserve, dear God?
I am simply asking You this question 'cause I need to know. Am I destined to be alone all my life.. For real?
..because I know that no one can live that way. Not really.

So anyway, here I am in Sibu for work.. Chilling in the hotel room with two stewards 'cause I'm promiscuous like that.. Trying to distract myself from the mess that is my life, honestly.
But at least I'm trying. Still trying.

I suppose that's something to be proud of.

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Thursday, September 09, 2010

I'm not sure I want to remember this..

This part of my life..
But I figured I should live and learn, so I should write about it. I honestly have no idea how I got into such a mess..
Well, of course I know HOW but how did I LET this happen???

Shit, as if I haven't had enough reasons to hate myself already. But honestly I am feeling numb for the most part.
And lonely.
It seems to be a 'normal' feeling for people who are/were in my kind of situation, I heard.

I suppose this was the change that Bestie had mentioned the other day. But I can only feel myself changing. Not sure about Encem, but who knows.. I can't really read his mind.
But I thank God that he is the kind of person who sticks around..
Not that I 'need' him to. I suppose I was always used to the idea of handling every situation on my own. Not saying that it's the best way.. But it's the only way I know.

Speaking of God.. I don't blame Him. I do question Him though.. But not blame. I have myself for that.
He's given me a working brain and yet I put it aside and not use it.
So it's my fault.
Oh well..

It's Eidulfitr tomorrow!!
God, I hope it'll be a quiet one. heehee. No surprises please!

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Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Hello, old feelings.

Been a while since I'd felt this way..
Maybe "life's" been saving it only for when I am back in my parents' place.

I'm feeling miserable.
To the point where I imagined myself jumping out of the window. I swear I only get this feelings when I'm here.
There is a bad aura here. Or maybe it's just bad connection.

I love my parents..
But there are some things that they do.. That gives me no other feeling but HATE. Pure, uncomplicated HATE.
Which are making me want to leave and never look back.

Actually I've been feeling a whole lot of that lately. Some days I just can't come home -- any home!
Making me wonder how I'd do living in the streets. I don't know.. Maybe living in the streets would be too extreme.
So now I wonder if I live by myself. Having absolutely no one in my personal space.

Will I grow or crumble even worse?

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