Sunday, October 03, 2010

And Then You..

I was struck by a thought last night that got me stunt.
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.

But of course, I haven't really....

Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.

I am running away again..
Or I want to.

So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?

Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.

Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.

I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.

My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.


Brandon J. Carver said...

Somehow I know exactly how you feel. Cliche? Maybe, but still...

I feel like this time every year I go through a big change. I Usually get a new job (just started a new one last week) or I end up moving somewhere, (which is what I did this time last year).

I've often asked myself those same questions. And even when I am more positively involved with my future, I can't really find a reason to be excited about anything.

I've recently been haunted by this quote, issued from a psychiatrist to a patient struggling to find motivation, "Life isn't for everyone."

Even though that sounds terrible and morbid, it gives me something to ponder. Maybe some people really don't get it, or get excited about things, or set up permanent structures in their life.

I'm in no way saying, "let's end this," as it may sound. Instead, ironically, I can find reason in that comment to just say fuck it, not give a shit, and be happy in the moment.

Wow, this is a lot of rambling from one stranger to another. lol.

Monkey's Bunny said...

ah well, if you were in fact rambling, it shouldn't have made any sense. But that made perfect sense to me.

But to accept it.. that "life isn't for everyone" truly is depressing!
I'm afraid I don't have that positivity in me to tell it to fuck off. But I'm not accepting it it either.

I'm too stubborn to simply accept anything really -- so thank God to that! So even if someone tells me that the FACT is; life really isn't for everyone, I'll ponder about it.. keep it in mind.. But never to agree. I refuse to agree now when I'm still trying. (Though I am getting weary of it.)

So even if that is the truth.. I think I'll be in denial for the time being. Believe that I am plain weird instead of incapable of "life".

Interesting thought though. Depressing, but interesting.
Thanks for sharing that, Brandon! :)

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