Monday, June 06, 2011

Deep thoughts.

Dark thoughts?
I honestly don't know.. I haven't decided yet.

I'd spent the weekend in Kuantan with Dida. It seems like we keep having these little weekend getaways. And every single time I learn a little more of myself;

1. I hate it when someone asks me when I'm getting married. It makes me want to rage, scream then slap that someone's face. But since that is highly inappropriate, all I could do is keep my mouth shut and make a face every single time. Dida is my witness.

2. I am a highly emotional girl. I tried, I really did.. to be emotionless, But that is not who I am. I wish that I wasn't, but I was born this way. I cry. I cry a lot! I cried watching Letters To Juliet. It's not even that good of a film, but I cried anyway.
..and to ask me to change who I am, is a cruel cruel thing to do.

3. Having someone saying that a particular person was "for me" does not bring me pride.. or joy. It does not bring me any feeling of assurance.
It just keeps me wondering and brings a whole lot of questions that I cannot answer.
Maybe because I just keep on crying. Nothing changed.
I'm still that sad girl that I've always been.
And I've always hoped for laughter. The unending sunshine that brightens my day. But the clouds keep coming in, so where did we go wrong?

4. I realized that I do have a wall around my heart. It doesn't keep the hurt away, but it gives me the courage to bounce back. I take promises seriously, but when they are broken.. I don't know.. I was never surprised. Come to think of it, nothing ever surprised me really. I've always had this mental preparedness -- that anything is possible. It comes in handy when something bad happens. I wouldn't be caught off guard.

5. It feels like I'm getting good at lying. Too good that I've managed to fool myself again and again. Perhaps I need to talk it out. But everyone's been too busy to just "talk" these days.

They say that if you really love someone, you should let them go. That if they were meant for you in the first place, they would come back. Funny thing though.. had I been the one to leave, I would never come back. I'd rather see the "love" in action! Don't ever let me go.. or better yet, don't ever let me think of going! Or if I'd left, come and look for me!
But I don't think that will ever happen. Everyone thinks that I'm smart enough to make decisions for myself but they never thought that their response plays a big part on that decision. It's almost too easy to leave.

Hmm.. I forgot why I wrote this entry. Sorry for sounding so sombre. I was crying while I wrote all these so.. I don't know. I wish I have an explanation for everytime that I sound crazy or unappreciative.
Suppose you could say that I always want need more.

Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.
by W. Shakespeare, Hamlet


ablen said...

have to remember not to ask u when u're getting married if i see u someday~.. takut kene slap... >.<

Monkey's Bunny said...

Memang patut takut!

ablen said...

hahaha.. seb baik dulu ablen tanye tak kene slap... >.< syukur alhamdulillah... :p

Monkey's Bunny said...

hahahahahaha :P said...

i hate it when people ask me the "when are you getting married?" question too. nak je reply "why? you want to sponsor a honeymoon in Paris, is it?".

the question's really unfair because they should ask the guys instead, sebab the guys yang handle all the proposal and stuffs. so the guys should know, NOT US!

plus, i don't think i'm ready to be married anyway, so yeah - hate the question. always makes me think a lot, haha!

Monkey's Bunny said...

Everytime one of our friends tanya when will it be our "time" (but looks at me specifically) I would tell them to direct the question to Encem instead sambil buat gesture 'silakan'.. And every single time that happens, Encem will reply with "bak duit" sambil hulur tangan macam mintak duit raya..
I suppose only boys can get away with that.

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