Saturday, July 28, 2012

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..
Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.
Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.
Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.
Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.
At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.
Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.
Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..
Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.
He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.
I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;
Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..
..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.
Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.
Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.
40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..
These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.
Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."
I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".
I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.
I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.
I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.
Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

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