Saturday, September 26, 2009


Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..


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