"Gila gempak!"

*laughs hysterically*
I love you whole heartedly, Ana.. you rempit you.. hahahha!!

I had an awesome day out! heehee. Got to OU just in time as Ana got off work; talk about great timing. heh. We didn't have exact plans on what to do.. so we ended up walking to The Curve for their outdoors-Coffee Bean. OUTDOORS! woot! hahaha! We spent about 3 hours there.. with our private ritual.. until Ana got restless for lack of "things" to do. haha!
Congrats on the 2 months, babe. heehee.

We'd called Bahijah and got her to pick us up midway from our walk back towards OU. heehee. I probably should've made better plans, yah?
I will.. I will..
The word "picnic" is ringing in my ears.

So we were in OU.. sitting just outside Burger King.. and got into another private ritual which was just.. hilarious every single time I think about it! haha! Honestly, we HAVE GOT to make some new rituals.. nicer ones. *winks*
Bahijah had to leave early since she's got to get to the gym.. booo for working out!! Even if you only do it so you'll be thin before having a baby! HAHAHAHA!!
I also love you whole heartedly, B..

hmm.. I think I get drunk when I'm tired/sleepy. I'm theorizing that it's my mind's way of distracting itself from shutting down.
Moving on...

Alia had missed Bahijah by mere minutes. I was hoping they could finally meet since they share a bunch of mutual friends and yet never met each other. Ah well.. there will be some other time I guess.
Anyway, we didn't do much afterwards.. just walked around.. Alia getting to know Ana, saying how cute Ana was and how thin I'd looked.. pinching my arms and stuff.. a bunch of times. hahha!
Seriously Alia.. I love you a whole lot, but didn't your parents tell you that it's rude to stare?? hahahha. I know about my non-existent cleavage.. it's sad that you had to point that out. grrrr.


We sent Ana home at 8-ish.. then Alia got me back to Shah Alam where we decided to make a quick stop at err.. Coffee Bean in SACC!
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
I swear that's the only place I've been spending my money these days. rawr! Damn coffees!

And now I'm safely back at home.. fighting off my tiredness just so I can write a fairly sensible entry for Bahijah to read. hahaha. I need to remind myself not to go out at 1pm when I got to sleep well after 7am next time. weeeeeeeeee!

Thank you for a brilliant day out, girls. Also, I would like to apologize for the times when my eyes went out of focus and the random grins and smiles at inappropriate moments. I swear, they were unconsciously done. hahhahaha!

Dear hands,

please stop shaking.
I'm not asking a lot, am I?
Just.. stop shaking already!

I swear, now my nerves have a mind of its own.

I've figured out why I hated sharing my feelings and thoughts so much.
DUM - DUM - DUMM (big dramatic drums sound effect)
I just hate being vulnerable that much.. ta-daa! hahahha! Stupid.. why is it so hard to figure that one out.

Streaking just bothers me.
Having someone know every single bit of my thoughts is just.. scary. Somehow.
So I always end up editing my words inside my head. Although I probably shouldn't, yeaaaah?

hmm.. I just don't play fair. I like people being honest with me, but I rarely reciprocate.
One step forward, two steps back. Idiotic.

The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.

Jim Rohn

yea yeaah.. (I'm still telling myself that.) Trying to take the wall down. Just.. very slowly.
Even if I don't want to, I know you'll help me with it. Like I have a choice. blah. hahhaha!

uh...

yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yadaa

I honestly hate talking about things that I don't know of. It seems so redundant. Like, what am I really trying to say??!
But I'm having a few thoughts in my mind. Some random, some are not. And in attempt to dull these thoughts, I will let my fingers type out what ever it is that is appropriate enough for me to type.

I'm having a slight headache. I'm trying to dull that as well. heh.

I had one of the oddest nights. Well, odd for the way that I'd felt everytime I wake up from my sleep. I was freaking out about something.. and well, it was out of my mind as I sleep. But the second I wake up.. pang!.. in my brain. I fell back to sleep and when I wake up again, pang! hahahaha.
It was more annoying than anything, really.
I'd told my brain to get over it but it won't. blah. I'm so stubborn.. I won't even listen to me.

I'm fairly fine now. Fairly.
And I'm disabling comment! hahahahha!

I'm Posting It

I'm freakin boooreeeddd!!

I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.

I can't believe how the minutes are passing so slow today. So slow.. Sooo sloooww..! So freakin' slow, I could cry.
I just might, damnit!

Unstable emotions + slow day = tears.

gaah. I am using all my might to stop myself from writing a super-stupid entry or email. God help me. aaaghhhhhhh!!!

I want my lifelog... *pouts*

Since Lifelogger is still acting like crap. (Maybe it's just mine..? I don't know) I can't exactly share any song over here. It won't play. yuck. Annoying.

Anyway, I woke up today by Dida's call.. sometimes I prefer the times when we're having a fight. She wouldn't be talking to me, hence I wouldn't have to do any favours for her. muaahahahaha!
But actually, it may have been the time to wake up anyway. I was woken up at 9.. managed to fall back to sleep.. then woke up again at 10.. blah. I hate it when that happens. I think I had some weird dreams, but I don't remember them anymore. So what ever. heh. (rambling.)

The thoughts of the Twilight series are still fresh in my mind. I honestly love the books. Of course, there were three so there are bound to be some sluggish parts, but really.. I really enjoyed the books! And yeah.. it all started with Eeva and now everyone's on Cullen fever. hahaha!
The 4th book, final installment (from Bella's view) is coming out in August. weeee! hmm.. sigh. My to-read list keeps getting longer and longer. blah.

OH!
I just remembered what I had dreamt this morning...
err.. unfortunately it's too silly to share. hahahaha!

hmm.. would you believe that an old Avril Lavigne's song is stuck in my head right now? sigh. Of all people..

It's Friday.. think I'm going to clip my nails. heh. I should do something good today after... earlier. heehee. oh, that reminds me.. I saw two house-lizards "doing it" and it totally made me laugh. hahaha!
Also, I think I'm freaking out again. But it's.. fine really. It comes and goes.. in waves. I might just get used to the freaking out.

Fighting all the demons will take time.

A line from Dishwalla's song seems very fitting for the title today. At least it seems fitting to the way I feel right now.

It's official. I hate hyperventilating. Even the word irks me now. The more often it happens, the more I feel like becoming the third wife. I would've just scream if it isn't in the middle of the night right now. Stupid heart. It's just as stupid as my brain, really. Makes me wonder how I got through 23 years with them.

Funny thing happened tonight. yada yada yadaa.. don't think I want to talk about it actually. I'm in between giggling fits and nervousness. In a way I am glad that I was able to be honest instead of twisting and turning my words in an attempt of being coy. (Lying is out of the question 'cause I'm pretty pathetic at it. Or at least my conscience is.)
But I don't know what to think now. Probably a good thing since nothing good ever comes out from me thinking, really. Yet somehow I am.. sorta.. kinda.. freaking out.. a little. crap.

Anyway, I haven't done this stuff in ages!
Unconscious Mutterings

1. Questioning :: myself
2. Immunity :: Survivor! hahaha
3. Online dating :: HAHAHAHA!! OMG!
4. Calcium :: bones
5. Dressing :: odd
6. Bucket :: water
7. Stain :: blood
8. Advanced :: program
9. Dramatic :: sometimes (me)
10. Self-medication :: woohoo! sounds pretty good right about now.

PS: the time now is 2:45 PM.. and I am no longer freaked out. heh.

Hyperventilating.

Seems like I've been doing that a lot recently.. and I don't know why.
There are certain things that I just can't explain. Doesn't matter how many hours I'd spend trying to figure it out. I keep on coming up with blanks.

I just feel.. a cloud over my chest. Making me hard to breathe. (Asthma? HAHAHA!!)

I wish I have the answers. It irks me when I don't have the answers to my own questions. It annoys me when there is no one I could shout at except myself. I hate to hate myself but I'm making it too easy for myself. heh.

Great. Cold sweats. Just what I need right now. blah.
Maybe I'm just getting the flu. Everyone at home have had it. Somehow it missed me. hmmph. Typical. I shall look at the horizon and wait for the super-flu to come and get me then. (Negative much?)

hmm.. Don't try reading between the lines. This has nothing to do with anyone but me. And here I am typing this out for the world to read. Just another question to throw out to the universe.
I swear if the universe is a person, it would be just as dumbfounded as I always find myself with my chaotic thoughts.

I think I need a day out.

"Do you play with yourself?"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAHA!!!!
O yeah, paper dolls, soft toys and such. hahahahaha!
ughh.. if my hands would stop shaking I'd have more to say on this but it hasn't yet. Not completely anyway, so no more mention of paper dolls until I'm old enough. (hah! I'm talking in riddles again.)

hmm.. the room is spinning. And my songs aren't playing.. sigh. I have no idea what's going on with LL these days.

/me goes back to reading Eclipse of the Twilight series despite her eyes being out of focus.
(if Syl wouldn't spoil it first, that is.. RAWR!)

Losing myself.

I'm going to be sappy again.
Have I annoyed you yet?

I'm.. I'm...
I can't breath.
Semi-hyperventilating.
I would say that I am losing my mind but my judgement is clear.
I could say I'm losing my heart but I know it's right there, where I'd last put it. That's why it hurts too much. Because it feels so much.

Only..
My heart. It doesn't feel like mine. Not really. Not anymore at least.
I'm....
hmm.. I need my sleep. heh!

spam!

"Yes," I admitted honestly, knowing as I continued that I was probably shooting myself in the foot with my words. "I'll have a lot more fun if you're there. Bring Quil, and we'll make it a party."

That doesn't make so much sense right?
I mean, of course.. you don't have a copy of New Moon in front of you but really..

That line really is.. pretty insignificant. Except the fact that it'd just made me giggle. Of course, what you must know is that my mind is wandering way to the neighbouring country when I read it and I was giggling not for that line.

Ughh.. I'm going to gush. STOPP MEEE!!
Feels like I'm spamming my own blog for all the same reasons tonight. hahahaha!

It's the things you say and the way you say it..

A jumble of words.

light·head·ed [lahyt-hed-id]
giddy, dizzy, or delirious.

blah. I can't read. Even though I really want to see how things will pan out but I just can't seem to focus on the book I am reading.
Your words sounded so much better than any word I read from a book, or listen from any song. ughh.. yuck. I am so cheesy, it's embarrassing. I feel like the script writer of a B-rated movie right about now.

sap·py [sap-ee]
Excessively sentimental; mawkish.

I hate being sappy, and I'm sure you knew that already. I tease you for it all the time and now I'm the one who deserves to be teased.

pine [pahyn]
to yearn deeply; suffer with longing; long painfully

Also.. I must say that I am hating the words that crosses my mind tonight. They're all crazy. I'm not necessarily the most reasonable person you'll find but I can't accept absurdities. It annoys me that I am being ludicrous. blah. It's annoying how I am not liking myself for some really odd reasons.

gush [guhsh]
to express oneself extravagantly or emotionally; talk effusively

I.. don't usually want my heart be known. I talk in riddles and circles.. But you make it seem, and feel okay when you manage to decipher every code I threw at you.
This really feels foreign to me. sigh. I don't know what to make of it.
uggh.. I'm sensing a headache is coming in my attempt to not feel too much.

Leigh Nash - Need To Be Next To You

ha! This entry took me 2 and a half hours to write!!

OMG!!

ughh.. I seem to be saying that a lot these days.. I guess a couple of things have been going on and somehow I find solace in His presence.
Sometimes I feel like God is my imaginary friend. heh. Maybe He is.. my heart and mind gets so crazy sometimes. And so is my faith. gaah! The things I say when I'm feeling low.

19:40 - sigh. Syl, way to go at distracting me. booo. heehee.

So anyway, since my mood had been involuntarily picked up (boo!) I guess I should write something chirpy now, yeah? haha!

I'm currently reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and loving it!! Well, sort of. The second book is depressing but that just says how good the book is for it evoke real feelings on the readers. (But then again I've always been a little sensitive towards these things.)

Eeva has been telling me to read the book since last month and right now me, Syl and Ez/Ari/Gis (haha!) are reading it. (Jake is supposed to be reading it too) I swear it feels like we're all in Oprah's Book Club. Except Eeva can't really be Oprah.. she bitches too much! öpö öpö!!!
Oh, and turns out I'm a really slow reader compared to the two guys. It's pathetic, but what ever. heehee. Lets pretend that it doesn't bother me.

Okay. I think I'm ready to get back to reading!
And oh..
Happy Belated, Hanisss!!!
I had too many things on my mind yesterday and lost track of time. bleh. Hope you had a good time!

Counting Crows - Accidentally In Love

OMG-- just fuck off!!

I think it's amazing how people would generally call on God only when they're having a hard time.
Fortunately, I am not among those people. I also call on Him when I'm pissed. heh.

I also think it's incredible how I'm usually driven by my need to "run away" from something. That's.. wrong, isn't it? I should be running towards something..
But that's just how the case usually is. I am perfectly fine with the way things are.. until comes a moment when I need to run away from something. Then I make myself feel better by saying that I was actually running towards something. And somehow along the way I managed to make myself believe that I was.

I hate how my head can make me believe in anything.
Then, only after a while can I hear my heart's screams: LIE LIE LIE LIES!!!

ughh.. am I not messed up, ladies and gents?
hmmph.. so.. anyway.. to run or not to run? My heart is beating hard.

On a different note, I should've been sleeping or this entry wouldn't have a reason to exist.. but I tossed and turned for an hour and my eyes won't shut even though I am a little sleepy.
Something random.. Windows Live Messenger is prejudicial towards my computer. Oh, just because I have an old version of XP, it won't let me update it.. and so I have an old.. obsolete Windows Messenger on my computer that I can't possibly use, nor delete, because for what ever reason it's not showing up on my Add or Remove Programs. Moronic.
Also.. my arms are still sore from pointlessly moving things around in my room yesterday. So I'm cranky that they're sore and I needed them to type out this freakin' entry.

See, you should never leave me alone. And you've only been away for.. hardly 4 hours. sheesh! I'm getting too dependent, I'm hating it. bleh. I blame you for EVERYTHING!!

Sixpence None The Richer - I Need Love

"My heart is a traitor"

Page 129, Line 5, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of that book. Seems like I could find a new favourite line every time I read it.

Haven't got anything to tell ya'. I've come to accept that I only blog to give you reports or when I'm really pissy about something. O yeah, add 'feeling depressive' to that very short list too.

So let me just report to you that my days have been going on eventless.. I have been a little pissy for the past few days which had led me to a few depressive moments but it had never lasted long enough for me to blog about. heh.
Someone had just refused to leave me in my dark mood. bleh.
heeheee.

Okie! Now.. so that's about it!
I finally found a song that kinda reflects my mood tonight. A little ambiguous.. but maybe understandable. heh.

Silverchair - Without You

muahaHAHAHAHA!

This is probably too silly to blog about. Absolutely ridiculous to comprehend.. but man, it was just so exciting!

So there was this guy.. the one on the pic (don't know if that's really him, but what ever..) Basically he pissed the Illums (yes, I'm talking about MHA, the application on Facebook) so we kicked him!
He got pissed.. and we were still pissed.. (mainly TJ, haha!) yada yada yadaa.. Jacob ended up teleporting him to an FFA zone and the rest of us mutated the crap outta him and gave him every bad status imaginable -- before killing him. heh.
It was fun.. even though it was around 6am and my head can barely focus on anything.

Then of course, because I went to bed after 6.. and didn't turn the laptop off when I should've had gotten me into trouble with Dida.. bleh. What ever. I hate being emotionally distressed so I'm not going to write about it.

Okie. umm.. Just so you know, I am not as emotionally distressed as I was yesterday.. or earlier today.. heehee. But also, I have nothing else to write about.

Songs in a full blast.

*cries while laughing*
So.. Eeva got me listening to Evanescence again.. which just.. brings up SO much things, but anyway.. my head had never been uncomplicated, so "so much things" is just typically me.

Oh dear God, I can't concentrate.. bleh.
I think it's amazing that I'm listening to pretty dark songs but feeling.. completely the opposite. Annoying!! Yet, amazing. heh.

Aaaaanyway!!
I went out to dinner with my dad and sister a few nights ago. At the end of the meal, my dad took out his cigarettes and lit one up. I pointed out to him that I've never EVER in my life seen him light a cigarette at a dining table. Like.. really.. EVER! He'd usually walk away before lighting up.

Then he asked, "you know why?"
My heart skipped a beat. I think I know what's coming..
"Because you guys smoke too--" BAMM!! Just like that.
I was laughing nervously while me and Dida were looking at each other. The coolness of my dad is so.. remarkable sometimes! The few lines afterwards were just hilarious.. Dida openly saying about the effects on her when she isn't smoking and stuff.. I was unsure if I should say anything else except for laughing as I keep asking myself; PAPA KNOWSS?!! - OMG!

bah.. I've been on this entry for two days and I am going to hit publish now. Can't think of anything else to write. bleh..

Bethany Joy Lenz - Halo

I miss my guitar.

I'm spamming my blog, yayy!
I got one of those warning pop ups on Facebook again so I better stop sending anymore messages for a bit.. and spam-blog! wooot!

Anyway, look what I found! (More like listen.. actually.)

NOT my song

It's only my favourite Anna Nalick's song.. baah.. lyrics.. lyrics.. hahha!
Anyway, I did that a year ago, with the broken 6th string (which is why the last note for the ending is missing. heh)
Baah.. it's been over a year and I still haven't got it fixed. I bet by the time I do, I'm going to have to change all the strings. blah.

Anna Nalick - Catalyst

Slow day, today; I had too much time to waste thinking about nothing.
heehee.

Oh - My - God!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

You.. you..
You just made me cry.. but only because I am.. delirious.
My cheek hurts :P

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 6)

The pounding of my heart.

Have I told you that I hate confrontations? Well, "hate" is such a strong word.. it's more like.. an utter dislike.
I probably shouldn't have said that.. now no one wants to tell me anything. ha!

I like the idea of being open to discussions.. but I utterly dislike it when I get all nervous.. heart's pounding.. shaky hands -- yeah, I get all that from confrontations. They wreck my nerves so bad, somehow. Acting cool is not at all plausible.

Having to focus on that other person as they focuses on you alone...
Scary.

I am.. having a pang in my heart.. so much so that it's making my head spin. If only I am capable of word-vomit and just say what ever things that runs through my mind.
Would things be easier, I wonder..

I sometimes wish that things would.. but then I know I'll get bored with that. But when things are too hard, I will have no hope for it.
What the heck am I trying to say??!
shit.

I'm not even sure if this entry should be one of the "Quest", but I guess it is. I'm trying my hardest to learn myself.. and I am not making it easy. blah.

Damn feelings. I think I'll just go cry in my bed.. or smoke.
Probably the latter.

Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

This is the part when I run.
And this is the part where you shouldn't wait for my return. As a matter of fact, NO ONE should! I am not the one you should wait.. I don't deserve it. I can't comprehend it. Why the hell would anyone wait for someone as messed up as me. God!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 5)

I really.. truly.. honest to God.. want to believe.
Maybe if I say it enough, it will actually happen.. this time.

I want it so much I could cry.
I want it so bad I could die.

With the way I am feeling now...
Dear God, please let it stay.
The lightheadedness, shortness of breath, the occasional hyperventilation, pangs in the heart, funny feeling at the pit of the stomach.. I'd gladly keep them all, even when I always end up feeling like I could throw up.

Funny thing though.. how I can only tell what I'm really feeling when my body is behaving horribly. heh! I can't tell it any other way 'cause of the constant battle between my head and my heart -- so when my body says something, that's it really. heehee.

Anyway, I'm trying to make myself sick by listening to this song over and over again so it would stop making me feel dreamy the next time I listen to it. haha!

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

And I know that this is.. no where near like the other "Quest" entries.. but it actually is, really. Just.. a little too ambiguous compared to the rest. hehe.

How about something to think about?

Maybe not. heh.

I went to the Selangor vs. Kedah match last night.
eeep! It was.. something else. May I just say that I adore their fans? I mean.. they were GREAT!! The turn out was incredible. They beat Perak's fans, hands down. hahhaha!

I think it's the fact that the two top teams are up against each other was the main reason why there were so many football fans out there.
Oh, and we lost. The second losing match I'd EVER been to and I must say.. it'd felt fine. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure had rocketed the first time, but the second.. I was pretty cool about it.

Anyway, it's getting late. And I need sleep. Too tired to even tell you about those two guys in the masks. heh. I love them. They're so cute!

Life on a loop.

It's.. weird..
You know how some say that history will repeat itself.. but I'd always imagined it to be something BIG.. and really significant.

Of course, I'm just a mere bleep in the universe so the small thing could be considered as BIG.. but.. hmm.. I was hoping for something Earth-shaking. Not just some.. silly thing that I just happened to notice.
Baah. I'm about to talk in circles.. or say something really stupid so I'm going to stop right there and write about something else.


I'd spent yesterday with my favourite friends. Ana woke me up with a phone call at noon (ha!) and asked if I'd wanted to join her just hanging out. DUH! So.. I got out of bed and ended up stepping out of the house around 2. (You know, the rain.. running out of cute things to wear.. pretty bothersome. heh!)

(This is completely unnecessary but I wanted to write it anyway.)
May I just say, that I hate the effing public transport in the effing suburbs?! I mean.. seriously.. I had to wait an hour for a freakin' taxi to pass by. uh.. well.. I blame Syl for that actually.. but anyway, that's a story I won't tell here, but sheesh! ONE HOUR! I'd almost lost my mind.

Anyway, met up with Ana at Central and went to Pavillion.. hung out.. tarts.. coffees.. gossips.. the works. haha!
It was a few hours until Ilsa joined us.. then Bahijah..! Super! I know I've said this last week but really.. I was laughing and grinning so much my cheeks had hurt. It had felt like cramps at one point. hahahhaha! sheesh! I really need to get out more and get used to laughing more again.
Really.. Wanie and indoors does not mesh that well.. don't know what I was thinking. bleh.

So.. that was, what? 6 hours of my Friday spent with friends? heh. Wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, maybe there is.. but again -- different story!)
Amazing to think that I've known this girls for 6 years..
Now.. if only I could keep a guy around for just as long.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

Here's the truth..

I'm packing my bags.. converting to Buddhism and elope with my British boyfriend to Belgium (where we can eat Belgian waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)
I'll write to you again when I can.



Happy April, guys.