Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Cynical.

Okay, so Bestie said something to me last night that kinda bothered me. It wasn't his intention, but honestly it just opened my eyes a bit.

I know how cynical and unhappy I sound in my blog.. but it's not really as if I'm incapable of happiness. Funny how I am more eloquent when I'm expressing unhappiness. To be honest, I am just scared.
It always feels like happiness just loves to run around in my presence, so I simply don't talk about it for fear of spooking it.

Dida and I had a conversation the other day. I told her that I've recently realized that my psychological trait were really based on the environment I grew up in. (Yes, very Freudian.) Being the youngest, I feel small and timid to a point where I feel unimportant sometimes. That I don't matter.
That's the usual case with me and Encem honestly.
When he didn't let me in on his plans.. when he didn't call or text..
Feels like I'm so easily forgotten.

To be honest though, I don't really need someone to call me every hour. I don't need someone who feels the need to tell me that he's going to take a piss. I am not the kind of girl who needs to text her partner that she's going to turn off her phone for work. (A very typical case among the cabin crew, believe it or not!)
I honestly love the freedom that I have, being with Encem.

Things just gets ugly when I am particularly missing him.
Or I'm exceptionally hormonal.
Or I'm troubled..
Bestie is probably tired of hearing me complain and saying that I need to be apart from Encem.

It's not like he doesn't love me. Honestly I can feel it every single time I'm with him. I honestly hope that I am giving off the same feeling too. If so happens that we do not end up together.. it won't be for the lack of love. I did told Dida that.
She asked if that is enough for me -- if love is enough.
All I could say is that most times, it is.

Don't you find it odd that I am talking about love, but somehow I managed to sound so cynical?
I really am a hopeful cynic. Depending on the day that you get to talk to me. Just so happens that I am more cynical than hopeful today. heehee.

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