Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sendiri lagi..

This is no longer about being physically alone.. I am just.. irrevocably in a state of aloneness.
Sure, being physically alone doesn't help either but really.. this should be getting old. I can't expect to always have someone around to be by my side. And that is not even the point!

So Boyfriend had been around for the past few days. Knowing that he's flying with Mummy today, I was hoping that someone from their set would get sick and I'd get called up for that flight! ha-ha! What are the chances of that happening? But I hoped away anyway.. I wished for it from the day I saw their rosters.. I wished for it everytime I mentioned about my standby to anyone who'd hear it.. I wished for it before I go to bed last night.
It's silly, but I'm jealous. I'm not even jealous that Mummy is flying with him.. I am just jealous that two of my favourite people are flying together and I couldn't be there!

I used to bump into Mummy during night stops and it's been months since that happen. Knowing that she'll be leaving the airline soon just makes me feel even worse.
So yeah, I am jealous so I'm sorry.. I couldn't fake any form of enthusiasm when I was on the phone with the both of them earlier. I'm a lousy loser. I'll be the one that sulks in the corner when I lose.

So today I'd spent my day being miserable and sulking.. Doing my best not to send any pathetic texts to either of them because it won't do any good to anyone. Plus, Boyfriend hates working with me. Okay, maybe he didn't exactly used the word "hate" -- I hated working with him because of his "professionalism" bullshit. He'd make me feel like all I wanted to do was cling onto him while we work. Do the service with our hands entwined maybe.
Seriously, I don't mind being professional.. but wouldn't you think it's weird when people can't even tell that we knew each other unless they saw our staff numbers? bahh! I could go on about this for hours.
Maybe he's just embarassed to have me as his girlfriend. HAHAHAHHAHA! Okay, thank you stupid-brain for letting me wander off to this particular thought.

I suppose I should stop going into this.. since Bestie has the same trouble being himself when he's flying with a batchmate. Pathetic. (Sorry!) In conclusion to this crap; Adi remains my favourite batchmate to fly with! hahahhaha!
ughhh! I'm really gloomy today. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything useful around the house. Pathetic. Perhaps I should change my name to just that -- Pathetic.

I am honestly hating myself these days. My heart hasn't been mine for a long while.. And my brain simply jumps into conclussions that depresses me. I really really need to find a sparkle in life. Because really.. I CANNOT live like this, I keep feeling sorry for myself and it's just.. horrible! I am feeling like a blip and I really doubt that anyone would notice if I go missing.
Everyone seems to be going off to some better life.. New job, new family.. and here I am.. stagnant. It's the worst feeling of all. I hate being stuck. Stuck alone, because I am such a late bloomer. I know that isn't something I can blame myself for. It wasn't as if I wanted to be a late bloomer. But I wish I had known what I'd wanted earlier.
Not now.
Not when everyone's ready to leave.

I wish I am still twenty-three.. and just figured out that I wanted to be married by twenty-five. Have a kid by twenty-six. And another at twenty-nine.
But in truth, when I was twenty-three.. I had said to myself that I wanted to have a steady boyfriend that I could possibly marry by twenty-seven. My aim was just a boyfriend! Not a husband. hahahahha! And that's what I get.. Currently twenty-six, with a boyfriend.. and marriage is nowhere in view.

Sure I could blame peer pressure when it comes to this. Most of the people I know are either engaged, married, pregnant or already planning on the second one! Then there's me.. quite by myself and feeling FRIGGIN OLD!!
pssh! Guess I'll just blame my biological clock.
Things that happened last year just gave me a different perspective all so suddenly.
What if? What if? What if??

Damn I hate being alone with all these thoughts to ponder about!


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