Thursday, June 16, 2005

"The Journal of the Late-Bloomer"

that would be a great title for my autobiography, wouldn't it?

insert laugh here you must think i have a really high imagination or just forget to rationalize. with this rate of 'maturity', i even wonder if i could be as successful to write myself an autobiography. or if i'd bloom at all!
what ever happens to the innocence of our wishes, eh? why do we keep rationalizing our hopes?
i should know because i'm doing it right now! i'm rationalizing to my most deepest, craziest desire - and i don't like it one bit! i'm practically putting myself down for the one thing i adore most!

when i was little - in standard school; as if on protocol, the teachers would ask, "what do you like to be when you grow up?"
so what do i want to be when i grow up this time? doctor? engineer? architect? honestly, when i was little, there was only 3 professions exists! ohh, add 'lawyer' to the very short list. i have to wonder why wasn't i told about the other jobs that are just as well paid and respectful!

you have to understand the disappointment i had when i realize how bad my memory was, to learn and remember little things meticulously if it might become a life and death situation. that just strikes off 'doctor' from the list. and i've never felt strongly for cars or machines, thus 'engineer' was struck off too. ohh, i have to mention that i was a lousy mathematician - still am, really! then i saw a ray of hope in law. i loved watching Ally McBeal so i gotta love law, right? WRONG! despite the fact that my mom once said that i'd be a great lawyer, it turned out that my quick wit and lightning-speed response in conversations was - as a matter of fact - just tactless sarcasm. that goes about right since i am after all a Sagittarius. then it's time to strike off 'architect'. buildings ARE fantastic! i have to admit that i'd truly enjoy travelling if only to watch the buildings. *sigh* too bad that the buildings that inspires me were the ones with historical values, and for me to to design a building just as moving as i was moved, i would have to become an architect about 200 years ago.

then i went through high school, my form five class teacher HAD to have the answer to that question again. imagine the pressure i had as i listened to 3/4 of my classmates answered breezily to the seemingly easy question before me. i have been reasoning with myself the whole period as the teacher goes through one by one student according to their seat placements. then she started on the final row, third desk from the back, right next to the window. (i must say, i had the BEST - but very distracting - seat in class.)

"Ida, what do you want to do when you finish school?"

errr.. probably something like computer design..?

i had NO CLUE what i had just said. after all, i haven't figured out what i really want to do right then, and i had to decide what i was going to do for life? computer design sounded fine at that time. i heard IT was going to be really huge! companies would open wide their arms for computer design graduates! (you wish!) after all, i love taking care of my website then. i did design the layout and the little buttons on it! i have mastered doodling on paper and it's only time someone should take it to the next level. i should be wonderful at this!
i was gifted.
at least, that was the idea!

little did i know what it was. it still is what it was - a HOBBY.
i am three years too late to realize this, of course. life could be really different if i hadn't taken this road.
i probably wouldn't mess up my computer over 'image-manipulator' softwares. i probably hadn't tried coffee in Starbucks. i wouldn't have known the people i've met in the last three years. you probably wouldn't find this blog on the internet!
but you know what? if i had to give back the last three years, there is this one thing that i certainly will be doing the same....

[it's been a really long time since i wrote something like this, hasn't it?]

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