Thursday, January 20, 2011

Episod Curang.

Been a while since I wrote a bla-bla entry. (One that isn't really about anything but what ever is in my mind.) Bestie told me that my blog has been so crew-like these days.. and I don't like that. I don't like the idea of being defined by what I do for a living.

But since I've touched the subject.. as you can witness here, I am blogging. Not putting on any make-up, or getting ready for flight as I should be. Just lazing in the sofa-bed in the living room.. messied hair, spectacles on with a cigarette burning in my right hand.
The doctor was nice enough to grant me a day's rest for my back-ache, which I really appreciate. Honestly I hate seeing the doctor.. or taking medical leave. I like my records clean but I don't think forcing myself to work is going to help anyone. Guess I won't be having much money next month but I'll live..

So anyway, Bestie asked an interesting question at dinner last night. He asked Encem and myself if every couple has to have that cheating period.. (he worded it "episod curang"; the title of this entry! wa-heyy!)
I burst out laughing while Encem being Encem just ponders off wordlessly.

I'd like to think that not EVERYONE has it.. or had it. But the temptations must've been there..
When I feel ignored by Encem, I sometimes wish I had someone I could cheat with. (oops?) hahahahahha!!
But honestly, I had my episod curang.. It was the preface to my book with Encem really. ughh.. I don't like the fact that I have that episode in my life but.. I don't regret it. hehe

But really.. does everyone has it??
It's.. sad.. and a whole lot of bad karma lying around!

Cheating is terrible anyway. It's just bad.
For me.. honestly.. I didn't know what I really wanted, but still it wasn't a valid reason to cheat. Nothing is ever a reason to cheat! They are all excuses. Bad bad BAD excuses.
I for one was not cut for lying, so my episode didn't last long. My ex deserved better, I know it. So I told him the truth soon after. Encem and I were barely anything but it's not fair to have someone counting on you while you're interested in someone else instead.

I don't know.. sometimes I still wonder why I did what I did. It's not like I was out of love. But maybe I really needed someone who is present. At least that's what I tell myself when I think about it.

Sometimes I wonder if karma is going to get me in the end. Sometimes I imagined Encem having an affair and actually felt how crushed my heart would be. I even dreamt about it once or twice and when I woke up.. I find myself distancing myself from Encem.
It's not really his fault. But I can't exactly control my dreams.. and they had felt real.

God, I hope karma will get me in some other way.
Because Encem.. my dear boyfriend.. is one of the very little things that is good in my life. Sure he pisses me off sometimes.. Leave me here feeling lonely and ignored while he's working.. but still, he's the one that defines home to me. *and cue sentimental violin score!*
Oh, and sometimes, like right now.. I am HATING him for making me want to write about all this crap! ughhh! I swear I was never this needy or clingy to some BOY before! yuck!

So moving on!!!
Kasi potong terus feeling feeling ni.. Tomorrow I'll be on standby. Oh well, at least I won't have to stay up working tonight.. But I do hope I won't get any calls from the office tomorrow and the day after.
I realized that I complain more when I had too much work, compared to when I didn't have much money.

Suppose I could really say that money isn't everything...

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