Monday, December 15, 2014

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 7)

The fact that I had not updated the "quest" in six years almost say that I hadn't learn anything since Part 6! hahaha! I didn't think that I'd left the "series" that long.
But it has been long.. too long that I had to reread what I had written so far.

And of everything that I reread.. what stuck to me was the comment left on Part 6..

I remember that he was the kindest, sweetest Virgo ever existed. hahaha! I remember how often he used to call me. Skyped. Hated any guy I ever talked about. Crazy jealous. teehee. Rightfully so, as it turned out.

Is it terrible that I wish I could still hang out with him whenever I find myself in Singapore? I can't help passing by a Coffee Club and think that it was "our" place. hahaha! But I can't keep being turned down when I ask. My pride just won't let me. Perhaps he truly was busy and couldn't make time for me, or maybe he just friggin' hates me!
Somehow I refuse to believe that he hates me, even when I think that he has the right to.
Aren't I annoying? heh

He was the push I needed that led me to my job now, after all. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't get the chance to go to places that I'd seen. I wouldn't have met Encem. Of course, I deserve a kick in the shins for just saying that, but what I'm trying to say is that he played a major role in my life. So it's quite impossible for me to forget him. (Not that I ever tried to.)

People say that you should not have any regrets in your life.
Well, I regret the way we ended.
I was a horrible.. horrible person. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I was dishonest then, sneaking around, say that everything was fine. Lied to him, lied to my friends.. So I promised myself to be as honest as I can with my feelings.
Because that's where I tend to lie the most. Well, not necessarily lie. But I hide my feelings the most.

So yeah, sometimes I scare the crap of myself when I hide how I really feel from Encem. Afraid that it'll somehow lead to something else.. Not realizing that I was hiding things to begin with then suddenly finding someone whom I didn't have to hide from.
So you could say that I'm pretty nasty to Encem sometimes. In an excuse to "not hide". hahahah! Of course, I tend to keep my feelings to myself until I can't quite take it anymore so I blew up in his face.
To quote Adele;
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head

I do admire his patience.

Am I horrible for thinking about the ex? Can't help but wonder what kind of life he's living now. If he's happy. Married even! I wonder if he reads my blog still.. yikes!


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