Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 1)

I was in between of a depressive rant the other day when I was struck by the way Dida's eyes were looking at me -- I think it was worry. I think she was surprised and at the borderline of not knowing what to say or how to handle what I had just told her, but then she asked;
"So what do you really want?"
"I'd like to be happy."
"What makes you happy?"
So I said it, "I'd like to be somebody."
To my own selfish amusement, Dida had reacted in a way that was even more grave than she was at the beginning. She asked again; "Who are you right now?"
I wasn't sure how she would respond so I took my time before saying, "I'm nobody."

The very next second Dida tried to convince me that what ever I've been letting myself to believe, I am somebody and that I'm irreplaceable; that I am not just a lump in the middle of the room.. That no matter how useless I feel (and she sometimes think), I am her only little sister and nobody could replace that. Even when she could find somebody else to talk her troubles to, I am still her sister.

heh. Pardon me while I wipe my eyes.

I've been blessed. Luck has always been on my side. I don't have a lot of things but I seem to get by quite alright. Most importantly, I have the best people around me when I needed them the most. Although time and time again I get my heart broken by the same set of people.. they're still the ones who could mend them back together again.

I am a horrible human being for so many reasons; I act out as much as I possibly can.. dreams of doing charity yet taking not a single step towards it at all.. misses my prayers all the time.. throw tantrums.. curses like a sailor.. avoid responsabilities..
But they mend them back together again. As closed up of a person as I am.. my heart has always been in check.

For that I am grateful.. and sorry, that I am what I am.
I pray that I have enough time in the world to become somebody. Although I already am to Dida, I hope to really show her the best person that I could become. Even when I still feel like a lump in the middle of the room, I hope I'd be a lump that gives back.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
William Wordsworth

Sorry if you were expecting some sort of a fantasy/fiction in this entry. hahhaha!

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