Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 4)

I'm trying.. I really am trying.
God knows.. Even if He doesn't, He should! He's God after all!

I'm not particularly articulate, as you might have known.. and especially when somebody else had poured out their heart to me, I will get a feeling that probably.. I shouldn't trouble them with my heart.
Plato just gets to me sometimes!

So, most times.. I end up staring at the other person and imagined my heart jumping out to them, hoping that they could somehow read the beats of my heart. Wishing that they'd understand that my silence is actually an apology for not telling them comforting words to calm their hearts because I myself am not calm. That I am slightly angry at them for telling me their troubles when my thoughts are in itself occupied. That I am guilty for being selfish again..

Last night I said; harbouring feelings of guilt can have a negative effect on the mental health, well it's true. I am a big proof of that.
Muz said the other day that saying how grateful you are is one way of saying that you're unsatisfied with the other things. heh! She's so smart sometimes..
It suddenly clicked how my mind is trying to convince me that THIS should be enough -- when it's not, and I am feeling guilty for wanting MORE.

I agree that it's human nature for wanting more but I refuse to believe that it will NEVER be enough, as Muz had pointed out. I just couldn't. I REFUSE to believe that there will be no ending to our wants, because if I believe in it.. I will also believe that God is mean.
Why would He keep us in this never ending loop; letting us be frustrated and tired for the rest of our lives. To have it end only when our lives end is just.. upsetting. Believe me when I say that we had spent a good hour just shouting at each other and yet pensive on this subject.

In between of these recollections, I had found the source of my declining mental health: GUILT.
With my head reminding me what I had learnt through all my life -- of what makes a good daughter, a good sister, a good Muslim and a GOOD human being.. I listened to my wild rebellious heart and got myself stuck in a limbo of guilt. Of what I should.. and WANT.

I just.. need to believe that it WILL be enough.. one day. Someday. I really need to believe in it so this heaviness in my heart will be lifted.
It's just unfortunate that for the time being, my conscience is making me loony.
Even more disturbing is the thought that my gratefulness is a symptom of me going cuckoo.

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