Thursday, October 06, 2005

My father surprised me today.

(Technically, it was yesterday.)
Of course I know that he's very different from my mother (other than the occasional PMS moments when they pick a fight with me) but he really surprised me. Well, I was just reminded how much freedom he has given me.
I'm just glad that my father is in fact, mine.
I know we fight sometimes and it can get so so bad.. but I think, if I had any different father.. I'd fight a lot more and a lot worse!

Maybe some people had wondered.. but my relationship with my mother isn't really bad. Sometimes I do talk about her, right? Well, my mom can be excellent sometimes, but to achieve that I just had to have less conversation with her. Huuhuuu. I know, it's a bit sad - I know I don't want my children to feel this way in the future. But me and my mom are really like chalk and cheese! I am extremely blunt while she's really sensitive. And I don't think she can stand the silly stories I tell. And I'm impatient while she likes to make me repeat what I say. And the nag! She nags a whole lot, and I'm just unable to shut my mouth and listen. Me and my mother has a really disfuntional communication but God, I love her!
And dear God, I know that I upset her when she sees me hugging my father all the time, but please believe that I'm trying!

So yesterday, my father told me that he'd be fine if I shall find work outside the country. His exact words were, "I encourage - no, I wouldn't mind if you went. Wish I was as adventurous. Well, I wish that I had the chance!" Of course, my father had a chance to study architecture overseas when he was young on a scholarship, but he had to decline. He had to stay back and took care of his siblings. He's the eldest of ten so he had to find work and help his parents instead.
It's a sad story.. I bet you can make a soap opera out of it but I think that's what made him the man he is now.
Because he had to sacrifice what he had wanted, he is now giving me the chance to do what I want.
I should be so thankful to have been admitted into MMU.. but o well! I'm the spoilt last child of the family, I'm supposed to be the black sheep. My parents made it clear when they named me.

Okay, I make a fuss about this all the time and I'm going to share about it with you.
You see, in my name, there's an extra letter to it and it had always bugged me. I have 11 letters in my name while my sisters have 10. And their name goes Har-- while mine goes Haz--. It just bugs me!
I do feel like a black sheep even without mentioning about the name thing. I am proven to be the stupidest of three. Now now don't try to think of fake nice words to console me, 'coz I'm really fine. I'm getting so good with this self-critisizing thing that it doesn't lower my self-esteem in any way. hihi!
I wonder how Nina and Dida made their life seemed so easy when they're in my age. Eh.. okay, my life IS easy right now, but how come they don't wake up one morning and feel like they've been doing the wrong thing all the time? Humm.. And how come their dreams seemed so achievable?? (Nina dreams of being a full time housewife while Dida's just "to make lots of money!")
And mine.. My dream is to wake up one morning feeling happy and contented with life. Too subjective, I know. Here's an advice, if you start to think about life and self-satisfaction.. STOP!! It CAN'T be good. hehe.

I'm going off-course!
My father is cool and I can't imagine having any different father! I love the fact that he's one of the very few people that I can talk to about just anything. And I mostly love the fact that I can upset him as much because that only means that he cared so much.
To Papa, today is my Father's Day because on this day.. I am appreciating you the most! Happy Father's Day!!

good thing he doesn't know the url to this site, I'd HATE to know how he'd respond to this ooey-gooey things. ekkeke!

This was written at 3:15 am on October 6th, 2005.


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