Friday, March 20, 2009

Oh, my Love

Is it possible to be so messed up and twisted for love?
I love how love makes me feel but sometimes.. sometimes I feel so out of place and inadequate. Like "my all" is not enough and will never be. Perhaps I am simply flawed beyond comprehension. As I am writing this, I can't help but wonder if I am channelling what ever it is that is in my subconcious.

What am I trying to say?
I wish I could sit myself down and look into my eyes and read in the depths of them for things that words cannot say. I need to know why am I constantly worried. I need to know why am I still restless.
Wanie, are you trying to run away?
Why do I find it so hard to love myself? What ever have I done so bad, so horrible that is unforgivable in my eyes?

My dear Wanie, you are running away.
You are running away from the house you grew up in.. you are running away from your family.. you're running away from the friends that you grew up with.. you're running away from the the man who loves you.. you are running away from yourself.
Your inability to love yourself scares you.. confuses you to how those people could. The universe seems like a big conspiracy to make you feel safe and secured and when you least expects it, the rug will be pulled from beneath you and you will fall, face first ungracefully.

Why does running away feels so natural to me?

And there's where I stopped writing on my Moleskine because you called, hun.
I needed to ask you if you ever get tired of saying the things that you always say to me. I needed to know if you ever get tired of pulling me back to where I belong. Because if I had kept writing.. if I'd kept thinking and feeling the way that I did, I would have run away.
Is it crazy to have said that?
Well, I'm crazy.

I can't help it...
it's really okay if you get tired of me and my moods. I get tired of me and my moods.. Sometimes I wish I would just go away and never come back.

You know that saying how if you love someone you should let them go?
That's just how I feel. Everyone should just go away and not get tangled up in my darkness. Not worth it.


syl said...

u're not going to run away, not from me.

i just won't let u.

i love you, always <3

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