Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I am in limbo.

I've been relatively quiet these past few days, haven't I?

To be honest I can't seem to find humour in anything so I can't bring myself to write at all.. when I'm feeling the lowest of low. My exhaustion, and frustration.. confusion.. it was never for anyone else's entertainment but simply me, running things through in hopes that it'd somehow inspire me to some meaning. Hoping for an epiphany.

My computer is definitely dying, bit by bit. Usually I'd only have a hard time turning it on but today, even after I got it turned on, the LAN led decided to remain lifeless. I know, I know.. surely it can be fixed but I'm starting to give up on the stupid thing altogether. I can't stand it when things are not working properly. Humans are the most adaptable creatures. We adapt to things even when they're the ones that should be adapting to us.. and now I've found myself completely spent from trying to adapt.
Nobody should settle for second-bests and it seems like I've been settling on a whole lot of things.

It's been raining a lot these days. I've always been a fan of rains but the lightnings, I'm never crazy about. And the lightnings these days are terrible! Freaked me out even more than usual. Muslims believe that lightnings are meant to struck the satans (I know how silly that sounds to you Agnostics.. kinda sounds silly to me too) and I hate the thought.. the idea that satans are hanging around my house.
Earlier today the lightning had probably struck the roof of my flat that it killed the electricity. Well, not killed permanently since it went back after I turned the fuse thingy on again -- obviously I wasn't paying too much attention in Kemahiran Hidup. (Life Skills..?) Oh, and no need for me to describe to you the bang that came with that lightning.

I've always had this image that people who got struck by lightning had some satans hanging around closely to them -- which had meant that they were bad persons. I can't help but try to figure out if I'd done anything SO bad that I would deserve to be smite by God Himself. I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything that bad.. yet. Surely there are other people who deserves it more than I do...

Perhaps He's tired of me whining all the time about my hopelessness that He's helping me leave this world with a bang so I won't be easily forgotten. ha!
Trust me to come up with a ludicrous theory.

Meredith's shrink on Grey's Anatomy said that to find happiness in the midst of the awful things around you is NOT the point.. To feel awful about those awful things but knowing that you won't die from it IS the point.
Maybe.

So I don't know when I'll write again. Maybe later.. maybe tomorrow.. maybe next week.. I don't know. I've been writing my thoughts in my Moleskine, doodling mostly.. and that had seem to be enough as for me "running things through".
I know that everything has its solution. I'm perfectly capable of figuring that out, but I can't seem to find the BEST solution where it would not end up with me settling again.

And most of all.. I need to believe.. believe with all my heart that I am, for a fact, not dying from my feelings because I.. am.. so.. tired.

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