Friday, August 08, 2008


If I ask reaaaally nicely..
Can I cry? Please please?
Of course it's unnecessary and completely useless, but in a way it's better than screaming, since attention is the last thing I want right now.

You see.. I don't like it when people care. (read: butting in) I like to do things on my own. Do them on my time.. not getting any help even though it could make things easier.
I suppose I should admit that I'm afraid of failing.
And if I fail when I didn't get any help.. it won't be too bad. Maybe I'm simply not good enough at the time, I can accept that.. eventually. But if I fail even with some help, that would mean that I fail because I just SUCKED. The end. No wishful thinking.. no what-ifs.. things I could have done..
I failed because I am a failure.

Damn expectations.. I hate them just because I expect too much of myself. To have other people expect of me too would be unbearable. I would break.
Despite my dislike towards mediocrity, perhaps I'm getting more comfortable in it. Thus I am doing nothing to change anything.
gahh! Okay, I hate myself for saying that. Dammit!
I don't want to talk about this honestly. I'll just do what ever the hell they had wanted me to do and just let it be. I just hate hate HATE them knowing exactly what I'm up to.

If we all did the things we are capable of,
we would astound ourselves.

Thomas Edison

Moving on.. saw this on a random blog;
7 reasons you would NOT want me to be your girlfriend.
I suppose this is a bit too late considering I'm already somebody's girlfriend but anyway, maybe he'll take some points.

Reason #1 as demonstrated above, I push people away. One step forward, two steps back.. some sort of a mantra sometimes.
Reason #2 I am an incredibly selfish creature. I'm self-centred and stubborn as hell. I can only see MY hardship. You say you're miserable, I'M miserable! You say you miss me, I miss you! You say you love me, I love you more, asshole!
Reason #3 did anyone notice the state of my mental health most of the time? I'm constantly upset over something.. I don't suppose that's healthy.
Reason #4 I'm not a brilliant conversationalist. I keep half the things that I want to say because I don't know how to say them. I don't like talking for the sake of talking; I don't ask people how their day was because it does not interest me. In other words, I'm not that "caring".
Reason #5 I like my guy friends. I like my girl friends. They've kept me somewhat sane when they were around so I appreciate them. They are fun to be around with. I wanna keep them. Can I keep them, boyfie? *bats eyes*
Reason #6 there will be moments.. during my emotionally retarded period, where I would rather be left alone and out of anybody's reach. During that time, I'd take my personal space very seriously. It's baaad.
Reason #7 I'm a bad liar. hahhaha! Okay, not that I want a relationship to be based on lies, but I cannot even lie to save myself.. or make anybody happy. I am honest to a fault. My conscience causes more harm than good. Even half-truths eat me up inside. Terrible.

And for those reasons.. I cannot let go. I have a certain opinion of myself and to have anyone look over them must have been luck on my side. So I'm kinda.. still.. waiting for my luck to run out.
I'm morbid, so sue me.

took me almost 8 hours to finish writing this entry.. blah


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