Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ouch.

Fact.
I don't handle rejections very well.
Correction: I don't handle rejections well at all! I am close to what you can call as a sore loser.

I honestly hate getting into something that I cannot win. Coming out empty handed does not do good to my pride/ego.
Wish I hadn't put as much thought on this but I'm undeniably bothered by it. What's worse.. admitting that I care this much is like giving an open invitation to a heavy-weight boxer to punch me square in the gut.
It's stupid.. painful and leaves you kneeling to the ground gasping for breath.

Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on this. I hate to sound so.. ungrateful and dramatic. I should be thankful for the things I've gained. It's not as if I've been handed with misfortunes all my life.
I've been trying to tell myself that perfectness is not possible (so I wouldn't be hurt as if it was the first time I've been hurt) but I can't help but feel sad about it. How sad it is to seek perfection and never achieving them.
Must I be grateful for being miserable too?
sigh. Dear God, what are your plans for me? I can't help but wonder why am I here in the first place. Have I done anything right at all? Is "pure bliss" by any chance written in my future? How long must I wait for it?

hmm.. I don't think those are fair questions to ask God.
I doubt I've fought enough to earn my happiness anyway.
err..
I'd intended to write something semi-light believe it or not. haha!

Been spending my time reading Stephenie Meyer's leaked Midnight Sun. I must say I feel bad for reading them. As a writer's point of view.. it's really.. actually cruel to have your work released before you are ready for them to be released. I mean, it's hers to begin with..
I understand completely how broken-hearted she is about the whole thing.. that she's now releasing the part she'd wrote on her website even.. not knowing when it'll be completed.. or if it will even be completed.

I mean, really.. I get irked when somebody reads my Moleskine without my permission; and the things I wrote are not even worthy to be published.
I do hope she'll finish the book though. I will get a copy of it, since Twilight is my favourite in the series and having to know Edward's perspective of it is just.. so darn interesting.

I find myself squealing at certain parts.. getting a funny pang in my stomach by his thoughts. I suppose it's interesting.. learning the thoughts of a man in love.
Although it was written by a woman so I suppose I shouldn't take those too seriously.
I mentioned about this to the Boyfie last night.. I think I've forgotten half of the things he'd told me though. haha! Not because it was forgettable.. but because his thoughts are so.. fine with everything.
Fine with the distance.. mostly fine with the circumstances.. fine with me.

Which is why "Edward's" thoughts interests me!
The mess that is his head calms me ever so slightly.. somehow. hahaha! So anyway.. maybe that's my point in this entry.. I am.. a tad troubled, but calm.

Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.
Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer.

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