Friday, September 05, 2008


Still hurts.
The truth about truth; it hurts -- when it's something you don't want to hear, of course.
Nina reminded me of something last night. A tiny little detail about my childhood that I'd forgotten. Apparently I was not the only person who ever thought that I was lucky. (hmm.. perhaps that's the reason to why I feel that I was just that -- lucky)
So anyway, if luck is what I should be thankful for for all the good things that had ever happened to me, I must be running out of it then. Maybe I've overused it and now I've burnt out my luck. (This is the part when I freak out.)

Ignorance is bliss.. but it pains when you're self-deceived.
Maybe there's a bigger plan that God has in store for me. (Isn't it just WEIRD that I believe in God, yet talk about luck all the time?? hahaha!) Maybe I NEED to believe that there is a bigger plan. I'm trying not to believe that I am simply not good enough for something that I'd poured my heart into.

I got the email today.. the email that basically had said;
you're going nowhere.. na-na-na-na-na!
(well, they used appropriate words but that's how I read it.)
So I've been staring at different walls since this afternoon.. trying to figure out my next move. I must say that I HATE feeling stumped. Not that I'm an actual planner, but I like to have a general idea of what I'm going to do.. what I want to do. But these days.. these days I've been completely lost!
mmph! I'm so not good at not getting what I want.

Anyway, other than that, my day has been pretty much uneventful.. until Dida called Nina at 8 and talked about the gossip at home. HAHAHAH! Nina put her phone on speaker and that was hilarious.
It's Dida's first time being an "only child" at home and I suppose she can't play that part very well.. considering she had to call us whenever she has some new juicy gossip. (About our parents believe it or not! haha!) I swear I thought Dida's kind are chained away during this time of the year. HAHAHAHA!
sigh. The things I cannot say on a blog..

Anyway, I wasn't sure what brought the subject up, but after Dida's call, Nina and I were just sitting in the living room, talking (with Jasmin lounging on the couch listening. He's very quiet, that one) and at one point we were talking about who should be the more loving one.
I said to Nina that I'd rather be the one (who loves my partner more than he loves me) and she actually said DON'T. She said that I should find somebody who loves me more than I do.
Well.. that sounds fine, really. But I can't help from feeling so.. selfish. Wouldn't I be selfish if let the man love me more than I love him? hmm..

Then I said with a laugh that I'm clear then, since perhaps I've found him, and Nina looked at me quite seriously and said, "have you?"
I hate that. Nina does that sometimes; trying to decipher the real meanings behind the things that I said with a laugh, and I was always caught off-guard. My automatic response was of course, "eh.. I don't know.." (how can you tell anyway!)

The thing about my sisters.. Nina never pries anything out of me. I know that she's curious.. so damn curious that she'd ask other people about me. Even though I never actually have a real bonding with her.. (we're 6 years apart and she'd never been at home much. She went to boarding school.. then university) I think she understands me well enough to not ask me really personal questions. I think she knows what I truly care about and that I don't like talking about them. (haha!)
She did ask me something earlier.. but it'd felt like she'd deliberately look away from my face -- and for that I am SO grateful. I honestly didn't want her to see my facial expression on the subject.
She's very.. perceptive. Always knows what to say. She's the eldest sister that is worth to look up to.. to be adored, truly.

Now, Dida is nowhere like Nina (and that's not necessarily a bad thing) although she's really annoying, to be truth. What ever things I told her would be passed on to Nina, naturally. (They're only a year apart and went to the same boarding school.. and university.) What ever things our parents told her would be passed on to both me and Nina, of course.
Basically I am a secret-keeper.. while Dida never grasped the idea of a secret.. and Nina reveals them selectively (depending on circumstances.)
hmm.. Now why am I telling you this??

crap. I really should go to sleep now.
hmm.. perhaps I should have a wee bit breakfast first.

Smash Mouth - You Are My Number One


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