Tuesday, January 21, 2003

My five days worth of post.. with so many thanks to Papa! ^_^
I'm losing my senses..

Thursday, January 16th My luck = crap!
So.. the everage of how much I cry is once every month.. Yeech! I hate crying but sometimes there's nothing else I could do.. and so, I cried.. +_+ Well, it was a pretty fine afternoon. Had such a good time with my friends. Hihhik! Me and my roomies planned on earlier to wear baju kurung, and we did! But somehow, I was the most out-of-place one. Why? Apart from my RED Converse.. (and Ana joined me on that part.. she wore her new Converse as well.. Hehh!) I also had my slingbag on!! AHHAHHA!! Yeaah.. what a waste of my good feminine side.. Hahhahha!! So anyways.. even when I had my classes, I still felt fine. I guess the highest point was around 12 to 2 when me, Ana and Fina had our lunch.. and later we told Sheeya to come down to our room and we all danced to that Ayumi's song Trauma. It was really nice!! Hihhihik! Had a reaaaaaaally hyper time. Went to Maths afterwards with a really tired EVERYTHING! Me and my roomies were horribly sleepy during class, we were all too tired from the dance. Can't quite make up anything Pn. Juliza said. ^_^
Aaaand came the time for me to get home. It was okay.. on the way back.. everything was reaaaaaaally fine. Until I got home!! It went absolutely the other way round. Huu.. I was really upset that I couldn't help crying.. Well.. not really 'crying' coz it was just for some seconds.. Hahhha!! So I shed some tears.. Hehh.. It was just that.. I thought of my luck.. and I guess it ran out on me.. (and you peeps should know by now how luck plays a BIG role in my life..) Yeaahh, I guess I shouldn't depend my everything on luck.. but it's just me! Qada' dan Qadar.. Rukun Iman, tu kan? Hik!
Hey.. just wondering.. have any of you peeps had any gay experience?? AHHAHAHA!! I know that some of you who read that line will be shocked. Hihhik! I'm not saying that I have.. at least I think I haven't!! aAaaAaAaA!! Scary, huh? Well, I do know that I've been listening to TATU - All The Things She Said too much! Demm!! I really like that song! But why does it have to be so lesbo? Huhh!! Those gurls were really daring and 'honest', huh? Did you know that they're just 17 and 18?? Jeng jeng jenggg! Well, the song has a good beat.. ^_^ So yeah, I had a pretty pervetish and 'dangerous' week (I played around too much with err.. pretty icky words, flirting around with the gurls and skipped under the ground floor's toilet -the shower cubicle- windows..hehh!) but I am NOT lesbo, okaayyy!! I'm sure of it! I mean, who would've pass out a thought of a hunk like Orlando for a gurl?? (Unless you're a guy, of course!) Hahhaha!! Well, I wouldn't! ^_^

Though, Avril's right. Guys ARE such a drag...! HAHH~!

Friday, January 17th It skipped so many beats..
aaAaAaAAaaaA.. had a sudden flashback of my school days.. Gosh, it was funnn! Skipping classes.. breaking the rules.. day-dreaming.. making rubbish.. Honestly! That's what school taught me! AHHAHHA!! Skip class.. yeahh! Did that plenty of times! I was in the Photography Club, so when I felt like skipping, I'd show my pass and said stuff like I have to go out to take pictures for the club. Hihhik! Did that in F4. Haa.. Pn Rosliza.. hihhik! Pegi dewan, nengok seniors amek results SPM. Konon amek gamba, sedangkan kamera pon tak pegang! And ade sekali, mase Dikir Barat competition. Nampak Finaaaaa! Hihhik! Then, on the magazine photo shoot.. skipped a whole 5 hours, walking around school to call out the kids from classes. Hihhik! And almost everytime, I'd be one of those kids who gets back into classes late after recess. Hahhah! Even when I was in class, I'd day-dream, doodle on my table or write letters to my friends. Hihhik! Gosh, I was never serious in school! ^_^ Selempang tudung, tak pakai serkup - pakai head-band kaler bright pink, kasut jarang sekali putih, kain sapu lantai, stokin kaler-kaler, pakai bangle, lipat lengan baju.. hihhik! Banyak skali kena tego! Main lastik.. belon air.. Hahhaha!! It was in Form 2, me and my friends were having so much fun with the water baloons when a teacher came up to us and told us to stop the crap 'coz we've been wasting loads of the school water. Hihhik! Still, had so much fun at school..! Learnt the ways on how to have fun!! Hihhik.. En Nazri taught the word 'bapuk lemau' in class and me and my sisters and cousins shouted the word in the Piala Malaysia finals (1998). Hahha! It was silly. We sat waaaaaay up the stadium but shouted ourselves hoarse anyways. Everytime Pahang players (I think!) acted as if they were fouled by the Selangor players, we'd scream BAPUK LEMAAAUUU!! at them.. Hehhe! And the people around us would laugh along. ^_^ Gosh!! School is so much fun!! Hihhihik!
Humm.. don't you think it's odd if you kinda had your thought on someone and suddenly that person calls you up? Hehh! ooOoOooh.. freaky coincedence!

Current song : From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart by Britney Spears
~ "Never look back" we said.. How was I to know, I miss you so ~

Saturday, January 18th Hoaa gosh.. Orlando is cute!
Maaan! I was doing some stuff on the computer when I turned ntv7 on.. and there was the making for LOTR again! And I can't help shouting how much I love the film!! And I want to see it again!! Both the making, and the movie! I want to see it again.. again.. again.. again and again! Again!!!! Eeeeeek!!
Eyh? JC's going solo?? Hummm.. my my... this is as mighty silly as Justin's first single! Ekkekke!! (listening to Rickdees~! Hihhik!)
Demm.. what's this? Humm.. some may disagree with what I'm about to say here.. but, f*ck feelings!! I wish I'm still in my tween days, when I don't care about love. What's love huh? Crap, really.. I wish my mind still tells me to put my shoe print on every guy I see! 'Coz I really should!! Yeahh.. my equation, guys = trouble, love = crap/sickness! Okay, I take that back. Honestly.. the world would come to an end if there's not even a bit of love, 'aight? But I'd like to state here that I do hate my current life! Everything is just so wrong! So horrible! I can't even trust myself in making any decisions. I feel like I'm losing myself.. Falling into a void, where I'm alone and no one could reach.. If only caring is the last thing I'd do.. But the fact is, even if you break away from someone once special to you.. Even if you stop seeing 'em, stop talking to them, stop talking about 'em.. it won't stop you thinking about 'em right? It won't stop you from caring, 'aight? Does it stopped you? It doesn't stop me.. even when God knows how much I want to. Wish I don't have to stop, 'coz I'm pretty much fine with the way it is. But someone else is making me want to stop. Maybe he wished that I would.. And I probably should..

I need you to hate me first..

Sunday, January 19th Gloomy Sunday
Come to think about the telly. Hihhik! If you're a Gilmore Girls' follower, what do you think? Should Rory be with Dean or Jess? Dean is always there.. the one Rory can count on.. the one that'll always be there for Rory. While Jess, he's a punk! Really.. but he's interesting! He surprises Rory.. he do care for her, and it's impossible to get bored when he's around! Humm.. telly can really make some think, huh? And I remember this time in Roswell when I cried 'coz the 'future' Max asked Liz to make the 'current' Max to fall out of love with her. Easy to make someone fall in love, but what does it take to make someone fall out from it? That kinda suxX huh? They were supposed to 'meant-to-be' but someone told 'em to fall out of love for the safety of everyone. Humm.. is it right to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's? I can't remember when was the last time I acted unselfishly.. Hehh! I don't know.. I guess I do what I want most of the time.. Hehh.. rebelling really suits me. Do what I want first, and deal with the concequences later. Seriously.. if we keep thinking what others would think, you're going NOWHERE! So take the chances and deal with it later! Contoh macam Wanie dulu.. keluar ikut suka ati.. Balek umah kena marah, kekadang kena grounded, but what the heck! At least I had some moments of fun that lasts for a lifetime! If I stayed home, and do as I was told.. I wouldn't even had THAT happy memory. ^_^ Just something for you peeps to think about.. But of course, not everyone thinks as the way I think!
So anyway, months ago I came by this interesting article about a 'haunted' song. It's an old song called Gloomy Sunday. The article said, that since the original version came out, a series of suicide had occured and their death note usually contains some parts of the song. So, the original version was banned. Though, since then.. some singers have remake the song, and added another verse to the song so it won't sound too 'dark'. Humm.. lyrics and verses really intrigues me, and I have to say.. the lyrics was NEAT!! Ahhaha!! No.. no.. I don't plan on commiting suicide anytime soon but the lyrics was nice! ^_^ If you have Kazaa, you can search for the song.. but take note that the original version was banned! (I couldn't find it anywhere..) But heyy, if you do download it.. be careful! The remake may still be haunted! ^_^
This is the lyrics for Gloomy Sunday. The very last verse was the extended version of the original..

Sunday is Gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows, I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

Gloomy is Sunday, with the shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and find you asleep in the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you, how much I wanted you

Monday, January 20th I love you so!!
My Papa is so sooo cool! I love him so soo much!! I wish I'd die first before him.. don't know what I'd do without him!! God, I really really need him to be around! I don't care if he gets mad at me.. it usually starts from me, anyways! God, the next time I diss anything about my dad, please dash that out. I say stuff that I don't mean when I get angry.. ^_^ Haaa.. I remember the time when he hit me with his belt.. piat telinga Wanie.. Hahhaha!! I was the naughty one! I think I had the most lecture from him.. ^_^ But I love him anyways! I think, the thing that make me love him so much is that he's kinda strict, but he didn't really restrict the things I wanna do. Like.. he doesn't mind me going out, but not so much.. Let me make friends with everyone, just don't let myself get too carried away. Hehh! I have all the freedom I need! He may mess around with the things I like.. not giving me the things I want.. But he'd always provide me with the things I need. ^_^ Thank you.. thank you.. thank you!! Papa would usually let me think what is right for myself.. even when sometimes I need him to tell me what to do! Hihhik! Can't remember when was the last time he brainwashed me. Hahhaha!! Thank you Papa!! I thank you so much for the freedom you've given me! I think all parents should be like that.. Strict, but don't take away their child's freedom. I mean, tengok ajelaa.. some kids, bila jauh dari parents jadi rosak. Cuba macam-macam. Kenapa? Konon nak rebel sangat la tu, sedangkan sendiri yang rosak. Hihhihik! I don't know why, but I've been talking like I am sooooo smart these days. Hahhaha!! ^.^ Y'know, one thing about my dad.. well.. some things, actually.. ^_^ He takes me and my sisters to watch the football at the stadium, joked around (even make himself silly at times!), hugs us and hold our hands.. and just yesterday morning, he got himself excited in front of the telly when Ultraman was on! Hahhaha!! It was so silly!! He actually went "ooh" and "aah" as Ultraman fought with the monster! Hihhihik! Well, that's my Papa! ^_^ Sorry if you got bored with the story of my dad.. I just feel like sharing.. ^_^
p/s Rebelling is one of the important essences in a teenage life. Getting yourself mad at by your parents is fine. You need to make some points to your parents sometimes. Especially if it has to do with your own freedom. You're not going to live with your parents forever, 'aight? You gotta break free and explore YOUR life.. Just as long as you don't get yourself killed! ^_^
Aaaah.. had a small talk with my dad this night. I asked him how he feel about Nina getting married. And he said he's a little torn. Huuu.. the look on his face.. I thank God that I won't be getting married anytime soon! Hahhaha!! I'd really hate to see that look again. And y'know, he actually just found out that I've broke up.. and know the thing that came out from his mouth?? "Yeaaaaaay!" AHHAHHA!! Gosh!! My dad can get so hilarious at times. And he open up his story.. I should set out my priorities - yes I have, thank you.. I should be free, not restricting myself with those sort of bonds at this times - I know, I know.. He's not going to let me get married anytime soon - (which I laughed out loud) of course, I don't intend to get married anytime soon!! HAHH~! Papa.. Papaa.. that's my dad. He doesn't restrict me to have a boyfriend, but prefers that I stay alone for the time being ^_^ I've been mixing business with pleasure all my life, it's hard to stop now! AHHAHAHHA!! oOoOo yeah, Musz, remember this? Hidup mesti lepak, study biar gempak, cinta jangan hapak! AHHAHHA!! Those novels were cool, weren't it? ^_^ Hihhi.. me and Musz used to chant those words (which was from a series of Malay novels) when we were in lower high school.. though, we only get the first part right.. Hihhik! We were lepak, alright! ^_^
So anyways, went out with Hanis yesterday. Feels real good to go out with an old friend. Being able to pour my heart out to that some people I care about, and cares about me as well. Hanis, you roxX!! Musz, I am missing you even more everydaaayy!! "I want you.. I need youuu!!" <-- Make this sound a lil' horny.. HAHHAHHA!! Gosh! You guys are the bestest friend I can possibly have! Even when you guys annoy me, I love you two anyways! Hihhihik!
I tried to do that list of changes in me some days ago.. and I'm stuck! It's like.. I see loads of different people everyday, and I seem to change when I'm around those new people only! When I get back to my old surroundings, old friends, I went back to my old self. When I'm away from those new people I know, I am.. plain ole me! My sisters always said that I was mean, and now that I've cared less about the world.. I've become my old mean self again! Hahhaha!! It's like.. I've been practising to compromise months ago.. and now I've stop practising, I forgot how to do it again! Hihhihik! So.. better get away from me, 'coz I might just give you a cold look the next time you see me!! Hihhihik! My smile is so fake, sometimes. Huuu..
A smile is just a smile.. a form that creates an illusion of happiness. It may not reflect the true feelings of one who smiles. Same goes for words.. They're just alphabets that were mixed together. There's no truth in words.. people lie with words when they need to hide their feelings from others. And sometimes, even to themselves..
It's another new week.. wonder what's up for me for the week. Will I be happier? Or even more sappier? AHHAHHA!!

Current song : How Could An Angel Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
~ I wish I didn't wish so hard.. Maybe I wished our love apart ~


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